Annual Review

Employee: Sophie
Position: Chief Security Officer
Review Period: 1/1/2010 - 12/31/2010
Manager: Me


Accountability
Maintain an intruder free environment

Employee Feedback: Throughout the year, I have thwarted countless attacks upon the premises. Luckily, I have been able to use my deep, authoritative voice to deter trespassers without violence.

Manager Feedback: On a scale of 1-10, I give a 1.5 as a security guard and a 15 as a noisemaker. To date, I count her "threatening targets" as 14 pizza delivery drivers, 6 UPS workers, 4 magazine salesmen, 3 neighbors, and countless strong breezes. Also, the only things Sophie has attacked in her life are inanimate objects...and me.

Accountability
Perform duties of the job while creating minimal disturbance for the family

Employee Feedback: In my career, I have often been asked if I trained as a ninja. Surely, this is partially due to my extreme fighting skills. However, it is largely in relation to my ability to simply disappear into the background. I only use my aforementioned voice in cases of imminent danger.

Manager Feedback: Sophie would be less annoying if she were a Tickle Me Elmo doll with Fran Drescher's voice. Aside from the barking mentioned in Accountability 1, her nails hit the hardwoods as if she is wearing tap shoes. Additionally, any time she stands up from any of her 17 daily naps, she feels the immediate urge to flap her ears from side to side in such a way that the sound perfectly finds its way to Amelia's peacefully sleeping ears to wake her. Not Awesome.

Accountability
Maintain a hygienically clean standard of living

Employee Feedback: I can't stress my cleanliness enough...You could eat off my nub. In addition to keeping myself clean, I sacrifice my very sensitive palate in keeping the floors clear of any debris.

Manager Feedback: Five words - rabbit turd diet, puppy farts. Additionally, the recent winter storm brought light to one very important observation...Sophie's previously-thought-to-be-white fur looked like a moving chunk of yellow snow.

Overview

Employee Feedback: If they perfect cloning while I am still in my youth, the world will be a safer place. There should be a Sophie in every home. I recommend myself for a 15% raise.

Manager Feedback: It's probably a good thing you basically can't find another Jack-a-Poo on the planet. All the hyperness of a Jack Russell mixed with all the shaking anxiety of a poodle is not exactly a match made in Heaven. As a pet and part of this family, I love her to death. However, as Chief Security Officer, the only thing she "secures" is her spot on her favorite couch cushion. I recommend her for a 0% raise, with a firm promise to "drop" a piece of bacon her way from time to time.