What's it worth to you?

So, my mom is constantly getting on me about being cheap. She thinks it is ridiculous that I am thrown by the cost of Mia's formula. Further, she finds it borderline embarrassing that I would mention that it is $9/day on a blog. Thus, she should really love this post.

What can you do with $9/day over the course of a year?

You can...

- lease a brand new Nissan Rogue
- buy a new Coach purse...every month
- sponsor 9 children a month at feedthechildren.org
- stay at the Ritz-Carlton in Miami....18 times
- eat at Ruth's Chris two times each month
- buy 20 pairs of '7' jeans per year
- donate 27 goats to impoverished families at heifer.org
- buy 3,200 jars of baby food
- take a different helicopter tour of Hawaii every month
- buy over 3 ounces of gold
- buy 820 Happy Meals
- buy a 42 inch flat panel television...and 2 laptops
- save 30 acres of rain forest at worldlandtrust.org
- go to the movies 365 times
- subscribe to Netflix, XM radio, the Flower of the Month Club, Bag, Borrow, or Steal, and the Beer of the Month Club...every month....for you and a friend
- buy diamond earrings set in platinum from Tiffany
- buy 50 Tim Tebow jerseys
- purchase 300 mosquito nets for children in Africa
- go to 2 Broadway shows every month
- eat 3,200 tacos
- rock 4 pairs of Christian Louboutin pumps
- drown your dog in 1,500lbs of dog food
- fly to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back
- The complete series dvds for Friends, The West Wing, 2 and a Half Men, Frasier, Charmed, Entourage, King of Queens, Will and Grace, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, The Wire, Everybody Loves Raymond, Full House, Macgyver, and Dawson's Creek combined.

Well, I could probably go on all night, but I think this underscores the reason why it stings for a cheap, cheap man like myself to spend that kind of money because Amelia doesn't like the taste of powdered formula. But, hey, nodoby said being a dad was cheap.


______
Just as a clarifying point - I love my daughter more than life itself. For her to be healthy, I will gladly continue to pay whatever it costs. If it comes to it, I will happily work two jobs, I will forgo food for myself, and as a last resort, I'll beat up local kids for their lunch money.

How to get a dog to eat your baby spittle

Amelia's 6 step plan for sucess

1) Have your parents get a really stupid dog. This should be fairly easy as I haven't seen a dog yet that doesn't fall for the fake toy throw.

2) Convince the dog that they are smarter than everyone else in the house. This will serve as the catalyst for them to devise their plan to "steal" your bottle. This one is actually tougher. Seriously, it's not easy to pretend you respect the intelligence of something that literally barks at the television every time the doorbell rings on a sitcom.

3) Test the dog a few times to see if they have initiated their plan. Go light on a few bottles and have your mom leave them on the table. If the dog sees the bottle and begins to lick its own butt pretending to be disgusted by your food, it's go time (as if we are supposed to believe a creature that eats rabbit turds on a daily basis is too good for $9/day Similac???). On a side note, this whole butt licking thing is actually a buy one get one free bonus. First, you are setting up the little mutt for failure. Secondly, the dog licked its own butt just to try to prove a point.

4) Find a busy morning so that your mom will leave your bottle behind. If a morning isn't busy enough, make it busy. Wait for one of your parents to be dressed for work - then ready...aim...spit up. If you haven't mastered spitting up on command, 1) you're an amateur and you disgust me 2)it's okay, just defile a diaper instead. Once the morning is good and busy, backwash in that bottle like it was your job. Now is not the time to be shy. Ideally, you want a spit to formula ratio of at least 2:1.

5) Take a good look at the dog on your way out the door. This really has no impact on the plan, but the memory of that scruffy little bundle of dumbass eagerly awaiting a bottle of your special formula will be quite a pick-me-up to save for a rainy day.

6) Wait until you see your doggy pal bragging about stealing your formula on a public forum and then follow it up with a message letting them know that you are their puppet master and that the only thing that topped them indulging in pure backwash was the look on their faces when their dad finally got a hold of them for it.

- Amelia

How to eat a delicious baby bottle

Sophie's 7 step plan for success

1) To reach our goals, two things have to occur - There has to be a bottle AND you have to be left alone with it.

2) In order to ensure a good supply of bottles it is important to remember to NEVER eat the baby. I know on the surface this seems like the best solution because there will be more bottles for you without the baby eating all of them. However, believe me, this is the worst route to take. I figured I'd be sleeping on a bed of cat food by now with Kitty gone...and yet, this is not the case at all. Apparently, they ARE smart enough to just stop putting out the food.

3) Next, you have to somehow get left alone with the bottle. This all begins with trust. To start building trust, you have to knock it off when it comes to your old tricks like tearing up pacifiers, eating the carpet, and snagging bites of food that are left near the edges of low tables. It is also important to note that everyone needs to think you have no desire to eat the bottle. So, if you should see one, you must not pay it any attention. Do not sniff it. Do not lick it. Don't even look at it. If the evil little baby tries to set you up by dropping the bottle next to you on the floor, quickly lick your own butt to imply you felt that was a better option than eating the bottle.

4) After several days of this charade, you will inevitably be able to catch your parents on a really busy day. Unless you have messy parents, you need them to get distracted and rush out the door so they will forget a bottle within your reach. So, wait for a morning where you see your mom feeding the baby while blow drying her hair while having the baby hold the electric toothbrush for her. By this point, your dad is likely running around in his underwear, cursing the finger he burnt on the iron. Additionally, if you see him walking out the door with his belt, socks, and shoes in his hands rather than on his body, you have hit the jackpot. They may remember this bottle on their way out, but by now you've established the mindset of "ehh, the dog won't eat the bottle. She hates them".

5) Enjoy that bottle like it's your last day on Earth. Don't focus on the fact that the baby, who poops her pants and ruins every good night's sleep, gets to enjoy this liquid heaven everyday. Take pride in your efforts, soak it in, and realize that for this moment, it's a dog's world.

6) Hide the evidence. I don't care if you eat it, burn it, or bury it, just GET RID OF IT. My personal favorite is to stuff it all under the coffee table. That way, it is out of sight for your parents, but there's a chance the baby can see it when she is doing tummy time...talk about rubbing it in.

7) This last step is the most important, so write it down if you have to. IF they find the remains of your labor, tuck tail and run like hell. If they catch you before you can get all the way under the bed, take your whoopin' like a man. Don't be a punk. Wait a few weeks and repeat steps 1-7.

Now, I've followed these foolproof steps on roughly 5 occasions including tonight. Unfortunately, all 5 times have ended with me taking it like a man...fortunately, it was worth it each and every time.

- Sophie

Tradition can't always remain

I am a Christian. I proudly make this statement in a world in which it is increasingly becoming more popular to keep your beliefs private fare. I honestly do not understand how anyone could have a child and not be a believer. The miracle of childbirth alone should be enough. Anyways, the real point of this post is to discuss what occurred today at church. Today, my church held a mass baptism outside. It regularly holds baptisms like this in which anyone is welcome to come and participate. I was fortunate enough to be baptized in this manner earlier this year. It truly is a remarkable experience to see throngs of strangers gathered around in full support of you. The one striking difference in this type of baptism and the more traditional in-service baptisms is the pure spontaneity of it. There is an emotional and spiritual charge to see someone so moved by Christ that they climb into the water fully dressed in their church clothes and emerge with a childlike smile on their face. Upon exiting the water, they are greeted and congratulated by people they have never seen or spoken to before. This is just one of many reasons I love my church. I understand that it is not for everyone. They play rock music instead of traditional hymns. It is more common to see someone in blue jeans than it is a suit. The previous two series we covered were the Gospel according to the Beatles and the Gospel according to U2. I've seen Sweet Home Alabama performed on stage and watched clips from movies like Cinderella Man. However, as laid back and "non-church" as this may seem, I feel they do two things absolutely perfectly - first, they remove ANY excuses for not going to church (nothing to wear - come casual, I work weekends - sermons are available online, no babysitter - there are baby viewing rooms and day cares, etc.). Secondly, they put their entire emphasis and focus on spreading the word of Christ...to those who otherwise would not hear it. The Christian faith is suffering severely in this country because too many churches cater to the members they already have. Churches across the country are filled with older people who have gone their entire lives. They have read the bible multiple times. They know the words to all the songs. And, they have heard Jesus Christ loud and clear. The challenge is not to appease them. The challenge is to bring in the younger generation, to bring in the people who don't go to church because they think it is boring, to spread the word to people in other countries who may have never even seen a bible. Thousands of people attend my church each weekend. Those people give millions of dollars per year. Those millions are spread throughout the world to help people come to know Jesus. So, while I understand tradition is hard to break, I hope many more churches will follow this example as I guarantee when it comes down to it, my current church does exponentially more in terms of teaching the bible, promoting mission work, and connecting people with Christ than my previous, much more traditional church.

Spoiled?

I am a firm believer in making your kids work for the things they want. Some people grow up in a family with parents that buy them everything. We are hoping to be fortunate enough to provide Mia with anything she needs, but still find a way to instill an understanding of what it means to want something badly enough to go out and earn it. Ultimately, we'd like to provide this life lesson without starving her or making her sleep in the yard. Given this theory on parenting, I even surprised myself today when we bought a big gift for Amelia. Some of you may think we are jumping the gun a bit, but we really felt like she's been a great kid and deserves it. I've included the pics below...

How young is young?

As I have mentioned on here before, Meggan goes to sleep about 10 minutes after Amelia. This allows/forces me to watch lots of tv by myself at night. I typically use this time to watch things that nobody else wants to watch. Considering the fact that Meggan hates all comedians, this is the perfect time to watch stand up specials. So, I've been watching several iterations of HBO's Young Comedians specials. For the most part, these are all from the 80's and 90's. I watched one tonight in which Ray Romano performed. He said he was 32 years old. This got me thinking - what is the cutoff for the "young" portion of Young Comedians Special? Being 30 myself, I found it refreshing to think that someone out there still considers me young. It can be very easy to begin to feel like your youth is a thing of the past. My college days are far behind me. I'm married....with a child. I own a home. I'm a few steps down my career path. I have a few less hairs than I'd like...and a few more beginnings of wrinkles. However, taking all of this into account, I still typically feel relatively young. I still feel like there are a world of possibilities out there for me. To me, this is the key to maintaining your youth at any age. There are only two measuring sticks - The things you have accomplished/attempted and the number of possible things left out there for you to accomplish/attempt. I feel whether you are 25 or 65, if you can focus more energy on all that is out there for you rather than on what you done and how far down your path you are, you can remain young forever. Then again, what do I know? I'm just some old guy rambling on from his couch on a Friday night.

Longest Day Ever

I stayed home from work today because I wasn't feeling well. However, it was not one of those days where I had the luxury of just sleeping all day. I had way too much work to do, so I had to do it from home. This essentially means that I have spent the entire day on the couch working. It is easier to stop working when you actually go to the office and have a clear delineation from workday to home. When you work from home, it all becomes a blur. The highlight was easily when Meg and Amelia came home. Its not that Sophie isn't a good companion, but she can be a little short on conversation. Oh well, hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and I can get to enjoy the day. If not, I guess it will just be me, Sophie, and more daytime television.

Mom who?

Today was an exceptionally busy day for Meggan. She had to be at work early and stay until around 8pm. This turn of events left Amelia's well being entirely up to me. I was tasked with 4 major duties - take Mia to school, pick her up from school, feed her, and bathe her. The fact that she tried to sabotage my success by punishing her diaper during half of my milestone events didn't help, but overall I think it was a good day. I got to kiss her goodbye this morning, see her smile when I showed back up at school, laugh at her when she got her face covered with baby food, and clean her up for a good night's rest. All this without Meggan calling 10 times to make sure I hadn't burned the house down or forgotten Mia at school. Days like today can actually be tiring, but they always remind me to be thankful for having the luxury of being able to spend nights like tonight with my baby girl.

Buying Cars

I hate buying cars. It is unlike buying any other product. Normally, if I wanted to buy something, I look at the price and go from there. However, with a car,finding the actual price is like catching a leprechaun. Everyone knows the price on the sticker is artificially inflated to make room for negotiation. So, you are forced to ask a sales associate, who by this point won't be hard to find because they have likely been chasing you around or have potentially even attached themselves to your bumper. Of course when you ask them the price, I promise you the response they have will not be anything remotely close to a dollar figure describing the cost of the car. It will likely be a question regarding what type of payments you are hoping to have or if you had a budget in mind. This in no way answers the question you asked, but somehow this has become an acceptable standard. I e-mailed 4 salesman the other day with a simple question - Can you please tell me your most competitive price... I got 2 responses with no mentions of cars, simply giving me their phone numbers to call them (uhh, if I had time to call, I wouldn't have e-mailed), I got 1 response with no price letting me know they'd be excited to help me and for me to let them know when I could come to the lot (if I don't even call, I'm not coming down to the lot), and 1 telling me they price slightly over invoice with a $1,250 rebate (unfortunately, he couldn't find it in his heart to tell me what the invoice price was, so it was virtually no help). So, with very little useful info in tow, we set out to the dealership to find out whatever we could. After 3 hours of negotiations, we walked out proud owners of .... exactly the same car we showed up in. Ultimately, after multiple iterations of the shell game, and several trips to the boss's desk to "fight" for us, our salesman gave us the final price...it was just slightly more than we wanted to pay. Ironically, I would have been more inclined to pay that price if he simply would have given it to me when I asked for it rather than making me work so damn hard for it.

Bring on the Justice

This is a blog from a friend of mine. I find it incredibly concerning when large companies get one over on the little guy.

US Airways considers THEFT to be within their "Ordinary Standard of Care"
*** PLEASE REBLOG***

My husband traveled on a US Airways flight from Boston to Charlotte on Sunday August 9th, as a chaperone on a school trip for Providence Day School, where he is a teacher and Senior class advisor.

When boarding the plane in Boston, he was told there was no more room on board the plane for any carry on luggage, and was ordered to hand over his small, rolling bag to a baggage employee on the jetway.

His bag was tagged and tossed below. Once he landed in Charlotte, he was told he wouldn’t collect the bag on the jetway, but that he would have to claim it off the baggage belt. He waited for his bag at the baggage claim belt, and when it arrived, the zipper was partially opened. He opened up the bag to discover that his brand new Mac Powerbook and the accompanying power cord had been stolen.

He immediately reported the situation to the Baggage Claim desk for US Airways, and faxed all required claim paper work to US Airways main office less than 24 hours after the incident.

Six days later (Saturday, August 15th), he received a letter from Carrie Kleinschmidt at the Central Baggage Resolution Office with US Airways. Her letter states the following:

“Please accept our apology for the inconvenience caused by your recent baggage incident. This is not the impression we wish to convey or the level of service we strive to provide.”

It goes on to say, ”We are unable to compensate for computer hardware/software as it is among those items excluded from coverage per our Conditions of Contract.”.

A copy of the contract clause in question is helpfully included along with the letter. The applicable clause is in Section V - Baggage, under the sub section “Exclusions from Liability”, Part 1. The language reads:

“When US [Airways] has exercised the ordinary standard of care it shall not be liable for the loss, damage to, or delay in delivery of…”

That’s the part that we as frequent customers of US Airways (in fact, I am a Dividend Miles program member) find very hard to swallow: ”ordinary standard of care.”

Does that mean that THEFT is the ordinary standard or care that US Airways maintains? How truly horrifying. Ms. Kleinschmidt herself, in the letter’s opening, declares the recent incident not to be of the “level of service” that US Airways “strives to provide”. How can she declare the incident not of their usual level of service, but then rely on a clause that excludes them from liability if they don’t provide the “ordinary standard of care?”

We would appreciate your attention and assistance in helping us rectify this completely unsatisfactory situation. To think that Providence Day School provided more than 100 paying round-trip passengers for US Airways and in return, they have nothing to offer my husband, an educator, other than this paltry excuse for an exclusionary clause.

If this is the “ordinary standard of care” that US Airways offers its customers, then not only will we be flying another airline from now on, we will also be sure that their negligence gets the press and media attention that it deserves.

Sincerely,

Jenn and Joe Grabenstetter

Bye Bye Baby

As a Jack-a-Poo, in my opinion the smartest breed of dogs, I have developed a keen sense of observation. Recently, I have observed a trend that I couldn't enjoy more if you covered it in bacon. This trend is the baby's new found habit of barfing before, during, and after every meal. It's not that I love barf. Well, okay, I admit it...I ate it the other day, but I was just trying to help clean. However, the real reason I am excited about Baby Pukes-A-Lot is rooted in the story of Miss Kitty. Miss Kitty used to live with us before the baby came. I hated her. I loved her. I hated that I loved her. I loved that I hated her. When she was here, I had to split all my attention with her. She was a beautiful cat. I mean, seriously, I don't know what kind of product she used in her fur, but it was working. Fortunately, she had a fatal flaw - I'm pretty sure she was bulimic. She would eat, and then throw up like clockwork. A person can only step in cat barf so many times before they snap. And thus, she no longer lives here. So, as you can see, I'm pretty sure I found the baby's ticket out of town. If she can just keep up this barfing streak, they'll be buying her a one way, all expense paid trip to the farm where her and kitty can blow all the chunks they want. They just won't have me around to clean up their messes.

- Sophie

Blog Notification System

Beep Beep Beep...THIS BLOGGING SESSION HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BY A WAKING BABY GIRL WHO HAS SPIT UP EVERYTHING SHE HAS EATEN TODAY. TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR MORE DETAILS...Beep Beep Beep

Thank you very little

Tonight, I went to the pharmacy to fill Mia's prescription for an antacid that helps with her reflux. After waiting for long enough to read through 2 magazines (which saved me 7 bucks, so at least I have that going for me) the pharmacist calls me back to let me know that unfortunately my insurance company won't pay for the prescription until tomorrow. Apparently, they take the 30 day dosage thing seriously. We spilled some of the medicine so we are a bit short this month. To give you an idea of what kind of stomach issues she has...we were told by her doctor today that we need to schedule an appointment with a GI specialist. So, we really would have liked to have gotten this medicine tonight. I attempted to plead my case that this isn't a recurring prescription because we had to see the doctor today and got a fresh script for it. Her response...She was sorry, but the pharmacy is open 24 hours so I could come back at like 3a.m. which would technically be tomorrow. I immediately thought two things - 1)why in the hell would she pick 3a.m.? Why would I not come in at 12:01? What, am I going to be sitting around the house around midnight and say "you know, this just isn't "tomorrowish" enough for me. I'm going to stay up and wait about 3 more hours" 2)why have we put so many rules in place that we have left no room for logic? I could understand the denial if I went in and asked for a dime bag for my 5 month old's glaucoma problem. However, when someone is trying to fill a prescription for a baby antacid that she clearly has taken for months and they are 5 hours short of when she technically should need it to be filled, I think it's safe to take the leap of faith and assume they are on the up and up. It's similar to when I bought a soda the other day and I handed over my money and then said "Actually, can I switch that and pay with my card because actual cash becomes invaluable when I want peanut M&Ms from the vending machine at work." Then, the girl looks at my card and asks to see my ID. I very much like the ID checking process. However, I think we should apply a reasonable limit to it. Seriously, how likely is it that considering I had plenty of cash to buy this soda, I decided that day was the day to create a need for this conversation:

Large Inmate: What are you in for?

Me: I tried to pull a fast one on Eagle Eyes McGee by slipping a stolen credit card past her

LI: What did you buy? A big screen? X Box? Diamonds?

Me: Ice cold Mountain Dew

LI: Well, I do love Mountain Dew

Me: Who doesn't?!? It's totally delicious.

LI: You know what else I like? 30 year old, white, Mountain Dew drinkers with receding hairlines...and cuddling.

Me: I should have used that cash.

And let's be honest, if I were going to risk it, I would have at least thrown in a candy bar - a king size one at that. This incident happened at the same pharmacy as tonight's. So, let this be a lesson to you. If you are going to steal a credit card and try to strong arm the pharmacist into giving you a not so addictive version of liquid Tums...you'd better find yourself another victim. It isn't going down there.

Night with the ladies

One of two things has occurred tonight - either Meggan finally trusts me enough to know that I won't kill, harm, or sell the baby OR she finally got to the point where she needed to go out for a drink with the girls so badly that she doesn't care. Either way, tonight it is just me, Sophie, and Mia. So far it's been a nice night. We started off with a father-daughter staring contest, which I lost because I'm not sure Amelia blinks. Then it was bath time. This is normally Meggan's specialty and I just come it at the end with the towel. I have to be honest, it was about 100 times harder by myself. At one point I had a wet, naked baby squirming in one hand while reaching for a towel with the other hand. If you are thinking ..."that sounds like the perfect time to pee on your dad's hand into your bath water"... you and my daughter have quite a bit in common. After a nice bath, she wanted to watch Entourage, but I convinced her it was time for a quick Dr. Seuss story (who, by the way, I am really starting to dislike because he made millions of dollars by writing the most nonsensical things ever and simply plugging in any made up work he wanted to in order to make it rhyme. For example, from Oh, the Thinks You Can Think -

"If you try try,
you can think up
a GUFF going by.

And you don’t have to stop.
You can think about SCHLOPP.
Schlopp. Schlopp. Beautiful schlopp.
Beautiful schlopp
with a cherry on top.'

What the hell?!? I'm sure Dr. Seuss was probably brilliant and I just don't get it, but that's really a blog for another day.). After our story, Mia was fast asleep. So, now I have time to blog and it seems that I have made it through the tough part of my night without Meggan. Now, if only tomorrow can go as smoothly when Amelia and I have our first ever father-daughter day thanks to her daycare being closed.

Work? Play? Work? Play?

Blogging, (and writing in general) has become one of my favorite things to do. However, this week it has had to take a back seat to my first love.... a little something I like to call "Not getting my car repossessed and keeping my house out of foreclosure". Usually, I only indulge in this guilty pleasure from roughly 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. Luckily, every once in a while, I am fortunate enough to get an extra helping of this treat on nights and weekends. This is one of those times. I will be back blogging as soon as my lucky streak runs out.


disclaimer: I understand these are tough economic times and I am VERY appreciative to have a job...but, that doesn't mean I can't occasionally complain just for kicks.

Screaming Mimi

Apparently babies are very impressed with themselves when they do something new. This, at least thus far,has been my experience with Mia. Once she learns to do a new trick, she does it repeatedly and cracks herself up more and more each time. Nine times out of ten I find this to be hilarious. However, her new trick is that other time out of the ten. It seems she has taken quite the liking to screaming...and screaming...and screaming. This fun little behavior occurred at 5:30 Saturday morning, started to creep into breakfast today, and showed back up in full force at dinner. It's not that I don't love to hear the sound of Amelia's voice. It's just that a high pitched squeal gets old, particularly to other members of the general public who don't love her like I do, after the first thirty minutes. While I actually hope this in some way means she will be an outgoing person who loves to talk, I'm pretty sure she is just fascinated with the sound of her own voice. Since only time will tell, for now, I just hope she moves on to a slightly more quiet hobby.