How to get a dog to eat your baby spittle

Amelia's 6 step plan for sucess

1) Have your parents get a really stupid dog. This should be fairly easy as I haven't seen a dog yet that doesn't fall for the fake toy throw.

2) Convince the dog that they are smarter than everyone else in the house. This will serve as the catalyst for them to devise their plan to "steal" your bottle. This one is actually tougher. Seriously, it's not easy to pretend you respect the intelligence of something that literally barks at the television every time the doorbell rings on a sitcom.

3) Test the dog a few times to see if they have initiated their plan. Go light on a few bottles and have your mom leave them on the table. If the dog sees the bottle and begins to lick its own butt pretending to be disgusted by your food, it's go time (as if we are supposed to believe a creature that eats rabbit turds on a daily basis is too good for $9/day Similac???). On a side note, this whole butt licking thing is actually a buy one get one free bonus. First, you are setting up the little mutt for failure. Secondly, the dog licked its own butt just to try to prove a point.

4) Find a busy morning so that your mom will leave your bottle behind. If a morning isn't busy enough, make it busy. Wait for one of your parents to be dressed for work - then ready...aim...spit up. If you haven't mastered spitting up on command, 1) you're an amateur and you disgust me 2)it's okay, just defile a diaper instead. Once the morning is good and busy, backwash in that bottle like it was your job. Now is not the time to be shy. Ideally, you want a spit to formula ratio of at least 2:1.

5) Take a good look at the dog on your way out the door. This really has no impact on the plan, but the memory of that scruffy little bundle of dumbass eagerly awaiting a bottle of your special formula will be quite a pick-me-up to save for a rainy day.

6) Wait until you see your doggy pal bragging about stealing your formula on a public forum and then follow it up with a message letting them know that you are their puppet master and that the only thing that topped them indulging in pure backwash was the look on their faces when their dad finally got a hold of them for it.

- Amelia