How to eat a delicious baby bottle

Sophie's 7 step plan for success

1) To reach our goals, two things have to occur - There has to be a bottle AND you have to be left alone with it.

2) In order to ensure a good supply of bottles it is important to remember to NEVER eat the baby. I know on the surface this seems like the best solution because there will be more bottles for you without the baby eating all of them. However, believe me, this is the worst route to take. I figured I'd be sleeping on a bed of cat food by now with Kitty gone...and yet, this is not the case at all. Apparently, they ARE smart enough to just stop putting out the food.

3) Next, you have to somehow get left alone with the bottle. This all begins with trust. To start building trust, you have to knock it off when it comes to your old tricks like tearing up pacifiers, eating the carpet, and snagging bites of food that are left near the edges of low tables. It is also important to note that everyone needs to think you have no desire to eat the bottle. So, if you should see one, you must not pay it any attention. Do not sniff it. Do not lick it. Don't even look at it. If the evil little baby tries to set you up by dropping the bottle next to you on the floor, quickly lick your own butt to imply you felt that was a better option than eating the bottle.

4) After several days of this charade, you will inevitably be able to catch your parents on a really busy day. Unless you have messy parents, you need them to get distracted and rush out the door so they will forget a bottle within your reach. So, wait for a morning where you see your mom feeding the baby while blow drying her hair while having the baby hold the electric toothbrush for her. By this point, your dad is likely running around in his underwear, cursing the finger he burnt on the iron. Additionally, if you see him walking out the door with his belt, socks, and shoes in his hands rather than on his body, you have hit the jackpot. They may remember this bottle on their way out, but by now you've established the mindset of "ehh, the dog won't eat the bottle. She hates them".

5) Enjoy that bottle like it's your last day on Earth. Don't focus on the fact that the baby, who poops her pants and ruins every good night's sleep, gets to enjoy this liquid heaven everyday. Take pride in your efforts, soak it in, and realize that for this moment, it's a dog's world.

6) Hide the evidence. I don't care if you eat it, burn it, or bury it, just GET RID OF IT. My personal favorite is to stuff it all under the coffee table. That way, it is out of sight for your parents, but there's a chance the baby can see it when she is doing tummy time...talk about rubbing it in.

7) This last step is the most important, so write it down if you have to. IF they find the remains of your labor, tuck tail and run like hell. If they catch you before you can get all the way under the bed, take your whoopin' like a man. Don't be a punk. Wait a few weeks and repeat steps 1-7.

Now, I've followed these foolproof steps on roughly 5 occasions including tonight. Unfortunately, all 5 times have ended with me taking it like a man...fortunately, it was worth it each and every time.

- Sophie