America's Most Wanted

Crime Scene: Entry of house

Crime(s): Vandalism, Destruction of Property, Breaking and Entering, Theft, Criminal Mischief, Generally eating diaper bag items that do not belong to her

Estimated Value of Damage: Trust is Priceless

Primary Suspect: Sophie

Mug Shot:




Suspected Motive: Jealousy, Boredom

Possible Sentencing: Minimum: Chew toy suspension ; Maximum: two night boarding in the dog pokey.

Defendant's argument: All evidence is circumstantial. Claims this is some form of racial, inter-species profiling

Plaintiff's argument: Prior history of chewing pacifiers; beard fur found at the scene.


We are asking that any eyewitnesses come forward so that no more diaper bags have to suffer. Any tips, please e-mail:

givemeabreak@whyinthehellwouldyoupulleveryitemoutofadiaperbaganddragitacrossthefloor.com

History is made

It took 9 weeks and 5 days, but I finally did it. I wasn't sure it was ever going to happen. What is this grand accomplishment? Tonight, I finally found something that Meggan was afraid/didn't want to do with Amelia that I took care of...trimming Amelia's nails. Meggan has about 150 of these things over me so far. She knocks out most dirty diapers, nose suctioning, and thermometers in the nether region. So, imagine my surprise when Meg had no interest in getting anywhere near the nail trimmers. I was excited because this was something I could do. I mean, how hard could it be to trim some fingernails? That was BEFORE I went to clip them. Holy crap, those are tiny nails and let's just say Amelia didn't voluntarily order the manicure at Salon-de-dad. She was very content to keep her hands in constant motion while balling up her fists. I'm not sure how it looked, but I'd say a good visual representation would be the scene in Karate Kid where Daniel-son is trying to catch flies with chopsticks...if chopsticks were blades, he loved the flies, and was desperately trying not to hurt them. In the end, we were able to get the job done without incident. And, I have finally found the one time where dad stepped up while mom watched.

Good Samaritan

This is the dialogue from an encounter I had the other day while bringing the stroller into the mall to meet Meggan and Amelia.

Lady outside Barnes and Noble: (fairly serious tone) Sir, do you realize there is no baby in there?
Me: Yes, I left her here last night and am now coming to pick her up.
Lady: (look of slight distaste for my humor)
Me: I'm kidding. I just find this thing so much easier to push without her in it.
Lady: (looking as if her day was better before she met me)
Me: I'm sorry. I'm going in to meet her and her mother.
Lady: (walks away looking as if I have forever stained her desire to help people)


So, in the end I felt a little bad for being sarcastic with her. Plus, I suppose I CAN see a situation where, in a hurry, you could accidentally head inside forgetting to actually get your baby out of the car. If that situation ever comes and I walk past this particular woman again, I'll be the sorry boy who cried wolf. That said, I'll take my chances that I won't forget Mia in the car. I mean, what kind of dad does that?!? What's that you say? The same kind of dad that drops her on her head??? Oh no.

A little help please

Well, I had a longer blog post, but I decided to delete it because Meggan said it is bedtime. I will leave it with this short list of questions that came to mind while changing a diaper tonight:

1) Why in the hell do diapers have Elmo, Cookie Monster, etc. on them? Mia is an equal opportunity diaper punisher. She makes no special requests to defile Grover or any other various children's show character. Plus, I hate them because they stare at me mockingly while I show how inept I am at handling dirty diapers.

2) What's with this 'front to back' for girls business? I understand why I should do it, but let's be honest, by the time I get to the scene of the crime, the poo has circumvented all the diaper's security systems and is already made its way to the front, the back, potentially Amelia's back, etc. At this point, there is NOTHING I can do to hurt the situation.

3) How in the world do I always end up with mystery poo on me?!? and why, for the love of God, do I never find this poo until ten minutes AFTER I wholeheartedly believe everything is cleaned and over with?!?

Girls will be girls

As many of you know, Sophie and Amelia have sort of a love-hate relationship. This was never more evident than it was today when I caught them having this completely non-conversational dialogue via stare down on the couch while Meggan was out at the gym.

Amelia: How does it feel being the second favorite?
Sophie: You tell me. I wouldn't know. I'm the one they let sleep in the bed with them.
Amelia: No need to sleep in their bed when they love you enough to give you your own bedroom.
Sophie: If that's what you have to tell yourself. Just don't forget, they handpicked me. They just got stuck with you.
Amelia: If by handpicked you mean "bought the mixed breed mutt that was on clearance" and by got stuck with you mean "were blessed by God and the miracle of human conception" then I'd have to concede.
Sophie: Why don't you concede that your biggest daily accomplishment is taking a poop in your diaper?
Amelia: Yes, that is so much less impressive than licking your own butt. By the way, I spit up in your dog food.
Sophie: With all that pooping you do, I'm surprised you are so fat. On a side note, I lick all the nipples on your bottles before you eat.
Amelia: Fraggle Rock called, they want their hair back.
Sophie: Keep talking about my hair and I'll eat ANOTHER one of your pacifiers...while you watch.
Amelia: And they will board you in doggy prison again while they take me on another vacation.
Sophie: Low blow. I hate you.
Amelia: I hate you more.
Sophie: I hated you first.
Amelia: I'm tired, you want to snuggle up on this blanket and take a nap?
Sophie: I'd like nothing more, scooch over a bit.

Growing, growing, gone

Amelia is in the middle of a gargantuan growth spurt. No matter when she ate or how much she ate, she is ready for more. If she doesn't stop soon, she'll have grown so much that she will be wearing Depends and borrowing her mother's clothes.

Advice for Mia.... that I should try to follow

We are two months in and I can say so far Amelia has been basically the perfect baby. She eats on a schedule, sleeps on a schedule, and is developing in most other aspects at or ahead of schedule. So, if she continues at this pace, I assume we will be swearing Dr. Amelia Barber into the oval office sometime in the future. However, just in case my completely unbiased prediction doesn't come true, and Amelia achieves a slightly less spectacular level of success, I have a few words of advice to Mia to ensure that she will still have it pretty good...

1) Do not procrastinate. This is one of the hardest rules to follow in life. If you can truly get all your work done before you go play, you are on top of your game. I admit there is a grotesquely fine line between procrastinating and simply not having enough time to pursue your dreams. For instance, I am still waiting to get my MBA, read tons of books, take up yoga, and become a writer. Now, its debatable how much of that is procrastination and how much of that is unattainable, due to time or ability. If you simply do the best job you can at discerning which goals are remotely achievable and working towards them early and often, eschewing innate human desire for instant gratification, you will go far in this life.

2) Understand where your fear resides...then go to his house and take his lunch money. Everyone is afraid of something. Those who know me, know that I have plenty of issues with fear. In some sense, the hypocrisy of me giving this advice is laughable. I am deathly afraid to fly, so what have I done to conquer that fear? Being the big, bad man that I am ... I completely avoided flying for about 10 years and only then did I fly once in lieu of losing my job. So, while I may not be the most shining example of following this advice, it is still solid advice. Beethoven couldn't hear his own music. It didn't make the composition any less of a classic. Fear will do nothing but cloud your judgement, force you to miss opportunities, and fill your life with regret. Fear is a bully. It will attack you and oppress you until you stand up for yourself and fight back.

3) Find a career you are passionate about. This one is really just a simple logic problem. If all people must have a job, and being forced to work makes people unhappy, and only people who are truly passionate about their job don't feel like it is "work", you MUST find a job you are passionate about or you will be unhappy.

4) Find a good group of friends. This might be the most important advice of the four since your friends can help ease the pain of not following the other three. I recently went to a wedding of a good friend. The crowd at this wedding was littered with people I have been friends with for 12 years - 40% of my life. Unfortunately, as time passes and life gets in the way, communication is not as easy as it should be. This fact meant that I had not spoken to some of these friends in months, and on the rare occasion, years. Even after this absence, the kinship felt as comfortable as an old t-shirt. There was nothing forced. There were no awkward pauses. If nature were to transport us back to our dorm rooms, we would seamlessly pick up where we left off some ten years ago. These guys are my brothers, it just so happens that we have different parents and didn't meet until we were eighteen. If you can get a group of friends to lean on in tough times and celebrate with in good times, you will never be alone in this world. I promise you, what you do to enrich the lives of those nearest to you and what you take away from those same people will shape who you become as a person.

Mia, you have a long time before you have to worry about most of this advice. I hope these will all come easy to you. However, I know I will play a great role in determining many of these aspects of your life. I am a firm believer in setting examples. 'Do as I say and not as I do' is the motto for people who are too lazy to change their ways. In this vain, I hope to use you as inspiration to make some changes in my life. So, perhaps soon I will put more passion into my career, procrastinate less, and fly more...well, two out of three isn't bad. I'll get started on that - tomorrow.