Baby on Board

On my way to fatherhood I have seen just about all things baby. I've seen a 65 year old woman jump up and down at the pure excitement of a grandchild on the way. I've seen the miraculous transformation of a woman's body throughout pregnancy. I've seen socks so tiny they'd make Barbie's feet go numb. I've also seen every baby book currently in print, 4 live birth videos, and enough tiny pink dresses to keep all the sweatshops in the world running strong. That said, I can at least admit that most of the baby craze makes sense to me. I can understand why people get so excited. I see why new parents try to absorb every shred of information available. However, as my baby's arrival nears, I have started to notice some things I just can't explain.

Yesterday, on my way home, I was stuck behind a brown minivan with a "Baby on Board" window decal. Now, I'm very competitive, so any time I see a parent with something I wonder if I should have it...or a cooler, bigger version of it. So, I start thinking about getting a baby on board sign. Then it occurred to me that I have no idea what in the world a B.O.B. sign is really trying to say. Is it saying "Hey, I have a baby in here, so please don't hit me"? I'm not sure that's really a necessary statement to make. Frankly, it was not on my agenda to ram into the side of that rolling turd of a minivan. Perhaps it makes the statement "forgive me for driving slowly, I have precious cargo". Announcing to the world that your 15 year old minivan is not exactly going to set land speed records reminds me of 100 jokes I've heard about working for the Department of Redundancy Department. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is it is simply a badge of honor announcing your membership into the "Parents' club". This phenomenon can be seen in many other similar badges.... the 'HH' sticker for the "I have more money and more free time than you do" club. the 'my kid beat up your honor student' sticker for the "If you can't beat them or join them, make fun of them" club. And, finally, the 'DMB' sticker for the "I sit in my dorm room listening to the Dave Matthews Band while smoking more weed than Michael Phelps" club.

The second thing I can't wrap my head around is beef flavored baby food. Its not like any pureed foods look all that appetizing, but feeding Amelia what amounts to Beef pudding is just not something I'm feeling good about. I thought maybe it was just me, so I decided to ask my two prime sources for taste testing, Sophie and Kitty, how they would feel if I switched out their normal kibble with beef in a jar. They both emphatically proclaimed they would never let something THAT foul pass through their delicate lips. Sophie then proceeded to jump in the litter box and eat cat poo while kitty raised a dainty, freshly shorn leg in the air and licked her own butt....the tribe has spoken.

Finally, it has come to my attention that babies apparently can be used as fashion accessories. I do not understand this. I'll say this to clue in any parents who may think otherwise - your baby does not care if her ears are pierced, she does not know her nails are painted, and she does not get the pure hilarity of the "I stink, therefore I am" t-shirt you put on her. You did not do those things for her, you did them for you. You are not dressing up your baby doll, this is your baby. At what point do you put fashion and style before comfort? uhhh, never. Put your baby in the softest, safest, most comfortable clothes you can find. She will have years and years to suck in her belly and stuff it in pants two sizes too small, cram her feet into leather high heels , and spend 2 hours doing her hair and makeup. For now, let her be what she is ... a wonderful baby that doesn't need a stitch of clothing, an ounce of jewelry, or a hint of makeup to look absolutely beautiful.