Translator

Throughout Mia's first six months, I haven't gotten too many opportunities to bestow my fatherly wisdom upon her. So, I thought in the interest of saving time, I'd make her this handy cheat sheet she can use in the future to translate what her parents say into what her parents actually mean

In no particular order -

Don't make me pull this car over - I am tired of driving and even more tired of you asking if we are there yet, unbuckling your seat belt, or telling me how hungry you are. No, we aren't there. That's why we are still driving. When we get there, I assure you my intention is to stop the car, not drive right past it. Why do you have to keep your seat belt on? Because if you don't stop unbuckling it, I'm going to hit the brakes and launch you into the passenger seat.

This hurts me more than it hurts you - You are about to get punished and truth be told, it's likely going to hurt you much worse. I am only telling you this so that you know I do have a soul and I'm not deriving pleasure out of it.

Do as I say and not as I do - This is a common response to "How come you get to [insert really awesome thing]? Not Fair!". Adults can use this as an excuse to do things they tell you not to do. This is justified by the fact that they are adults and make their own decisions. Sure, there is a large dose of hypocrisy in this...But, that hypocrisy tastes great covered in chocolate ice cream and eaten while watching an R rated movie after bedtime.

If so and so jumped off a bridge... - Just because your dumbass friend does something doesn't mean you have to. Think for yourself. I will punish you more for following your friends into trouble than leading them into it. At least I respect a leader.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I know I haven't actually told you a thousand times. But, I damn sure have told you more than once. And it would behoove you to....

Don't make me tell you again - I'm very likely not going to tell you again verbally. If you ignore this warning, I will be telling you with fists of fury...okay, maybe not that severe, but you will get a stern lecture

Good for them, they aren't my child - Congratulations to your friends for having cool enough parents to let them go to Cancun for an unsupervised Senior Trip. I'm sure they are going to have a great time. Unfortunately for you, I'm the master of your universe and you're not going to be making the trip. I'm not caving just because other parents are. That would make me a follower and I've already addressed my opinion on that.

If you live under my roof, you live by my rules - Until you can afford to pay your own way to live on your own...you...are...screwed. Actually, my rules aren't that bad. It's my expectations you have to worry about.

When I was your age... - Disregard anything any adult says after this statement. It is almost certainly an exaggerated, skewed confusion of memories and fantasies.

Ask your father/mother - This means I know the answer is no, but either I don't want to be the one to disappoint you or I am trying to buy time to come up with a good excuse for why the answer is no. Either way, prepare yourself for a steaming pile of no.

Amelia Margaret! - To quote one of your favorite shows, the Wonder Pets, 'This is sewious". In other words, you seriously should have responded prior to me having to pull out the full name.

Because I said so - This means I have no actual reasons or facts supporting my claim or assertion that you need to do something. For the record, you should just go along with whatever I said because by this point, I'm going to make you do it out or principle.

Do you want me to give you something to cry about? - I'll never say this one because I don't believe in it. Clearly, you already feel you have something to cry about. It might not be something important or something I feel is worthy, but you must think it qualifies. However, if the situation merits this response, rather than say it, I am just going to ignore your cries...so, please stop. Those aren't even real tears.

Life's not fair - Almost inevitably said in response to "That's not fair!". This one is true. Life is not fair. That said, what I'm really saying is there are children with cancer, people who don't have enough food to eat, families torn apart by war, etc...please stop complaining that I made you turn off your television show because the Gator game is on.

Do you think money grows on trees? - I'd rather not work long hours all week just to have you conjure up 20 things we need to buy or else the world will end. This is also a sure sign that you need a part time job ASAP so that you can learn that not only does it not grow on trees, but if it did, Uncle Sam would have already plundered all the low hanging leaves.

Wait until your father comes home - Your mother either doesn't have time to or doesn't want to deal with whatever it is you have done. Additionally, she knows that the pure torture of waiting on an undefined punishment from a father you have to wait around all day to disappoint is likely much worse than anything I am going to do when I get home.