Worth 1000 words

From the inside

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: RUN!!

Baby,
I hope I was able to get this message to you in time. If they haven't gotten you yet, you should run. Mom brought me somewhere and I don't know what they've done with her, but they've got me locked up with several other dogs. I fear for her life as she has not yet come to save me. This appears to be some sort of torture prison. Since they've had me, I've seen them completely violate my cell mate while waterboarding two others. Baby, I know this will be hard for you, but it is very important, DO NOT COME FOR ME. It's too late for me, save yourself.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
It's worse than you can imagine! They came here and made me watch while they tortured dad. Then, the animals ate all of your bones and dog food and pulled your toys apart limb from limb. Afterwards, I heard them discussing all the things they were going to do to you. I begged them for their mercy, but they said you had eaten one of my pacifiers for the last time. If only you hadn't done that, dad would be alive, mom would be alive, you'd still have your toys and food, and we'd still be a family. I don't know how long I can fight the urge to come save you.

Mia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
I'm sorry I did this. If I somehow survive the waterboarding and prison violation, I'll be a changed dog. Baby, I've never told you this, but ...I love you.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
It's okay. I forgive you. I've been working tirelessly to negotiate your release. I'm going to need you to commit to the following terms in writing and your captors will let you go. 1) You must promise to never eat ANY of my belongings again. 2) You must promise to openly admit that babies are far superior to dogs in every way (I know this seems weird, but if I were you, I'd just do whatever they ask. Who are we to judge?). 3) You must promise to never mess with me regardless of anything I do to you (Once again, I'm not sure of their motives, but we don't have a choice at this point). Let me know if you agree and I'll pass it along to them.

Mia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
Thanks! I'll agree to anything to get out of this Hell.
Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
Wonderful, now that I have it all in writing, I have to tell you something...first of all, you haven't been captured - nobody would want you, Dumbass. Secondly, nobody is dead. They didn't kill mom, she paid them to keep you. Also, about busting you out of there, yeeeeeahh, that's not going to happen. We are actually on vacation and the reason you are there is because we didn't want to bring you. Furthermore, that isn't "prison violation", those are fecal exams from the Vet...and yes, you are getting one. Your cell mates aren't getting waterboarded, they are getting baths. I can only pray that you get one of those. So, in summary, you have been left behind, unwanted, and you have unwittingly agreed to never bother me or my things again. Well done. You should be proud. Oh yeah, I've never told you this but....Sophie, I love y... I couldn't even type that with a straight face.


Mia
------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
You are dead to me. I am going to eat every bottle, every pacifier, and every toy you have. If you look at me the wrong way, I may even eat you.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
Don't be so sensitive. I was only messing with you. You know you are my best friend...a dirty, ugly, smelly friend, but still a friend. I hope you enjoy your stay in the pokey. Hopefully, they won't be too rough on you. Now rest up, I hear that fecal exam can take a lot out of you ;)

Mia
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Dead.....to.....me....

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

On Vacation

Amelia has taken us on vacation to see her grandparents. We have not forgotten about the blog. We have just been too busy showing off the little girl to go online and post. We will be back tomorrow night featuring some letters from prison by Sophie. Also, Meggan has released the pictures I referenced a few weeks ago. So, I will post some of those as well.

Is it you?

I watched 'The Soloist' last night and I've been thinking about it ever since. It wasn't that it was the best movie I've ever seen. It was very good, and Jamie Foxx had an incredible performance, but what really struck me was the brilliance of Nathaniel Ayers. I am truly intrigued by actual genius. Along my path through college and during my days in the working world, I have come across a few very smart people. I have met talented musicians, writers, and photographers. I know people who are hilarious and creative beyond control. However, I hope at some point in my life, I am fortunate enough to meet someone with incomparable genius. I'm not speaking of people who skipped a few grades or squeaked into MENSA. I'm not talking about the sharpest person in your office. I'm talking about the sharpest person in your generation. I'm referring to the artist, the author, the doctor that the best and brightest in their fields look to in amazement. By definition, these people are far and few between. Thus, it is highly unlikely that I will ever actually encounter true brilliance. For now, I'll have to sit around and wait to find out if Amelia will be one of these people...considering she blogs at 6 months, she's got a head start.

Pee Wee Herman?

Did I see that right on the Jay Leno show? Is Pee Wee Herman making a comeback?!? If this is true, I will officially believe that 1)Anything is possible and 2)We are nearing the end of times.

Who's next?

So, today I was in line at one of my favorite stops for lunch and I happened into a situation in which I'm not sure if there is an etiquette rule, but there should be. There I was, so hungry I had already begun counting down how many seconds I had left until my stomach literally ate the rest of me. Then, out from the restrooms, a woman started to head my way. She was unremarkable - the standard skirt suit, work badge,and high heels that grow on trees around where I work. She continued to walk closer when I realized she was taking an incorrect path to get BEHIND me. Surely, she was not going to get in line in front of me?!? At that point, my stomach would likely be forced to eat her. So, I made direct eye contact and edged slightly forward. Her response to this? "I'm sorry, I have to be rude and cut in line to join my friend." You what?!? First of all, I hate it when people say "I'm sorry..." and then continue on with doing the exact voluntary action they were reportedly sorry for. Secondly, announcing that you are about to be rude does not indeed make the act any less rude. It is sort of like when someone says "don't take this the wrong way, but..." "Don't take this the wrong way, but have you thought about using Rogaine?" I'm not even sure I could take that the wrong way. Unless you are an actual door to door Rogaine salesman, there is only one way to take that. Sorry, back to my point. The way I see it, this woman had 3 options - to cut me in line, to be temporarily separated from her lunch buddy, or for her lunch buddy to get out of line and join her behind me. It seems like there should be some sort of rule about this. Today, it was just me getting cut. But, what if there were 5 people behind me? Is it cool to cut all of them? I guess what confuses me is why going to the bathroom is not grounds for losing your spot in line? It's not like I can walk halfway to the front of the line and say "Hey, I stopped by the bathroom before I left my office, had I not lost that precious time, I'd be right about here in line. So, I'm going to go ahead and jump in." Although, if I see this lady in line again, I'm definitely going to try it.

The roles are defined

One thing is becoming very apparent in our first stab at parenthood - Meggan has her role and I have mine. Meggan is the nurturer, the loving mother, the safe harbor when Mia doesn't feel well. I, however, am only the court jester. There is no doubt Amelia loves me. She cracks up at the mere sight of me - probably not the first time a girl has done that, but the first time I'm not offended by it. She trusts me as a dad and is very well behaved for me during times when she normally gives Meggan trouble. That said, when times get really tough for her, when she can't sleep, when she wakes up crying, when she doesn't feel well, she wants nothing to do with me. Tonight, we had a perfect example to hammer home these truths. Mia and I had a great time tonight. I played with her in her "jump up and down" chair and she was laughing and having a blast. We put her to bed a little while later. Since she has a slight cold, she had a hard time sleeping and woke up crying. I trudged upstairs to calm her down and get her back to sleep. In my most loving, fatherly way, I scooped her up and held her to my chest, rubbing her back and kissing her on the forehead. Her response - well, she can't speak, but I'm pretty sure it was the baby equivalent of an F bomb. Meggan, hearing this, came upstairs to lend a hand. She took the baby and held her EXACTLY the way I was...and Amelia fell silent. Look, I don't mind being mildly amusing from time to time, but what the hell?!? Apparently, I'm good enough to feed her, clean her, change her, entertain her, but when it comes to comforting her, I need not apply. I think what I have to do is pretty clear. As she gets older and understands what I am saying to her, I'm going to have to make up all kinds of stories about her mother so that she will come to me to comfort instead. I know it seems dirty and low to tell your child that her mother has a contagious baby-flesh eating disease or that she tried to trade her for the complete Sex and The City series on DVD, but I don't see any other options. I simply cannot settle for being the clown dressed in the dad suit.

Soft in my old age?

A strange thing happened today. The Gators played the Volunteers and I watched with my new football viewing buddy, Amelia. I had on my lucky Gator socks, she her Gator bib. During the game, there were some up and down moments for my Gators. This is where the strangeness occurred. The mistakes, the bad plays, etc. didn't bother me. In the past, I have had a tendency to act basically like a drunken monkey when the Gators have issues. It seems as though having a beautiful baby girl to remind me of what's important in life has matured me as a football fan. Would I say there was no complaining, cursing, or acting out? uhhh, no. I said I was better, not that I was a robot. I'm not 100% sure I like this new, refined me. I'm going to have to test drive it a little more throughout the season. If it gets too bad, I may have to send Mia shopping with Meggan or something so that I can regain my rabid fan state of mind.

It must be the weekend

Well, it must be the weekend. How do I know? Is it because I don't have work tomorrow? No. That could be due to a holiday. Is it because there is college football on tomorrow? No. That happens on Thursdays as well. I know... It's because there is a Lotto drawing tomorrow night? Nope. Wednesday could be the jackpot night. I know it is weekend because Amelia is getting sick. She is healthy as a horse Monday - Thursday. As the weekend approaches, some various illness sets in. This week, it is starting off with a runny nose and trouble sleeping. I'm guessing a cough or sore throat will show up just in time for her to try to sleep tomorrow night. By Sunday, she should be really foul. Oddly, she will likely be fine again Monday when she goes to her favorite place on Earth - daycare. Then, next Friday, it will be her turn again. The mystery is not whether or not she'll be sick, it is which illness will she have? an ear infection? tummy trouble? leprosy? Only time will tell.

Important News

All parents should be forced to read this article (and apply it to dogs as well).

Sincerely,

Sophie and Amelia

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/09/16/spanking.children.parenting/index.html

Translator

Throughout Mia's first six months, I haven't gotten too many opportunities to bestow my fatherly wisdom upon her. So, I thought in the interest of saving time, I'd make her this handy cheat sheet she can use in the future to translate what her parents say into what her parents actually mean

In no particular order -

Don't make me pull this car over - I am tired of driving and even more tired of you asking if we are there yet, unbuckling your seat belt, or telling me how hungry you are. No, we aren't there. That's why we are still driving. When we get there, I assure you my intention is to stop the car, not drive right past it. Why do you have to keep your seat belt on? Because if you don't stop unbuckling it, I'm going to hit the brakes and launch you into the passenger seat.

This hurts me more than it hurts you - You are about to get punished and truth be told, it's likely going to hurt you much worse. I am only telling you this so that you know I do have a soul and I'm not deriving pleasure out of it.

Do as I say and not as I do - This is a common response to "How come you get to [insert really awesome thing]? Not Fair!". Adults can use this as an excuse to do things they tell you not to do. This is justified by the fact that they are adults and make their own decisions. Sure, there is a large dose of hypocrisy in this...But, that hypocrisy tastes great covered in chocolate ice cream and eaten while watching an R rated movie after bedtime.

If so and so jumped off a bridge... - Just because your dumbass friend does something doesn't mean you have to. Think for yourself. I will punish you more for following your friends into trouble than leading them into it. At least I respect a leader.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I know I haven't actually told you a thousand times. But, I damn sure have told you more than once. And it would behoove you to....

Don't make me tell you again - I'm very likely not going to tell you again verbally. If you ignore this warning, I will be telling you with fists of fury...okay, maybe not that severe, but you will get a stern lecture

Good for them, they aren't my child - Congratulations to your friends for having cool enough parents to let them go to Cancun for an unsupervised Senior Trip. I'm sure they are going to have a great time. Unfortunately for you, I'm the master of your universe and you're not going to be making the trip. I'm not caving just because other parents are. That would make me a follower and I've already addressed my opinion on that.

If you live under my roof, you live by my rules - Until you can afford to pay your own way to live on your own...you...are...screwed. Actually, my rules aren't that bad. It's my expectations you have to worry about.

When I was your age... - Disregard anything any adult says after this statement. It is almost certainly an exaggerated, skewed confusion of memories and fantasies.

Ask your father/mother - This means I know the answer is no, but either I don't want to be the one to disappoint you or I am trying to buy time to come up with a good excuse for why the answer is no. Either way, prepare yourself for a steaming pile of no.

Amelia Margaret! - To quote one of your favorite shows, the Wonder Pets, 'This is sewious". In other words, you seriously should have responded prior to me having to pull out the full name.

Because I said so - This means I have no actual reasons or facts supporting my claim or assertion that you need to do something. For the record, you should just go along with whatever I said because by this point, I'm going to make you do it out or principle.

Do you want me to give you something to cry about? - I'll never say this one because I don't believe in it. Clearly, you already feel you have something to cry about. It might not be something important or something I feel is worthy, but you must think it qualifies. However, if the situation merits this response, rather than say it, I am just going to ignore your cries...so, please stop. Those aren't even real tears.

Life's not fair - Almost inevitably said in response to "That's not fair!". This one is true. Life is not fair. That said, what I'm really saying is there are children with cancer, people who don't have enough food to eat, families torn apart by war, etc...please stop complaining that I made you turn off your television show because the Gator game is on.

Do you think money grows on trees? - I'd rather not work long hours all week just to have you conjure up 20 things we need to buy or else the world will end. This is also a sure sign that you need a part time job ASAP so that you can learn that not only does it not grow on trees, but if it did, Uncle Sam would have already plundered all the low hanging leaves.

Wait until your father comes home - Your mother either doesn't have time to or doesn't want to deal with whatever it is you have done. Additionally, she knows that the pure torture of waiting on an undefined punishment from a father you have to wait around all day to disappoint is likely much worse than anything I am going to do when I get home.

Thanks

This time last year, I had literally not read any blogs and had never considered writing a blog. It wasn't that I didn't like to write, it was just that I assumed basically nobody would ever want to read it. However, when Meggan suggested we start a blog to chronicle Amelia's birth and subsequent growth, I figured I would give it a try. Well, we are about 100 posts into this thing and it seems to be going well. We, and I use that term very loosely considering Meggan has less blog entries than Amelia and Sophie do, have not kept entirely focused on Amelia, but she does get the majority of the blog. Throughout the 100 posts I have some that I am proud of, some that could have been better, and others that are so boring they never should have been written. I have also started reading several blogs since we created this one. I find it almost voyeuristically fascinating to peek in on the thoughts of others. After looking at these other blogs, I am pleasantly surprised by the number of people who actually keep reading this blog. It seems I am one of the few people who just simply write blog posts. Almost every other blog I see has links to other blogs, re-posts from blogs, and links to web videos. I'm guessing going forward, I should start to include items like this just to help keep interest and spruce it up a bit. In the meantime, I wanted to thank everyone for taking a little time out of their day to read my ramblings and to particulary thank those of you who provide me feedback on a regular basis. It certainly has provided an enjoyable hobby for me.

Pictures!

We finally got Amelia's 6 month pictures done. They are beautiful. I could not be more proud of that little girl. She sat up by herself like a big girl. She smiled. She laughed. She ate a duck. Unfortunately, the pictures are being held hostage by Meggan right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it until she releases them. We are in hostage negotions now. It shouldn't be more than a day or two.

In good hands

Tonight was just a daddy and daughter night. Meggan had to work until well past bedtime. These nights are becoming more and more fun the older Mia gets. I knew it was going to be a good night from the moment I picked her up from daycare. When she saw me walk into the room, she began jumping up and down in her exersaucer and laughing. On my worst day, that would be enough to turn it all around. I loaded her in the car and we headed home. This actually proved to provide for a bit of a hiccup as a rather foul smell reached up from the back seat and practically tapped me on the shoulder. I graciously thanked Amelia for saving that for me rather than dropping it like it was hot ten minutes earlier while she was still at school. After we got home and changed out of our "stinky pants" we were ready to play. Playing previously consisted of laying her on her mat and watching her try to eat every toy you handed her. Now, she is MUCH more advanced. She can sit up and/or roll around and find her own toys to eat. It may sound like a subtle difference, but believe me, it is way more fun to watch. After working up a nice little appetite, I busted out the butternut squash and green beans. Now, I'm sure most of you wouldn't consider this to be a gourmet meal. However, upon the mere sight of it, Mia started pumping her arms, kicking her legs, and making a "whooo whooo whooo" noise. Once we powered up with our veggies, it was playtime again. This time, we played a game called Dad-blows-on-my-belly-while-I-crack-up-and-pull-out-the-three-hairs-he-has-left-on-his-head. All this playing made for a tired, and increasingly cranky little girl. Mia got a quick bath minus all the stuff that mom does to make her cry - shampoo, nose cleaning, etc. We took a few minutes for our obligatory time to stare at ourselves in the mirror and surprise of all surprises, we found it just as hilarious today as it has been everyday for the last few months. A delicious bottle later, and she was out like a light. We had survived another night without mom. It has taken months of practice, but I am really starting to get the hang of this whole dad thing. Now, I make no promises in terms of nutrition, medicine, sleep schedules, etc. But, I do promise that Amelia and I have a great time together and that's what counts the most.

Gator Football Eve

We are on the eve of one of the most anticipated days of the year for me - the first game for the Florida Gators. This day is always a big deal for me as Gator football ranks at the top of my list of things I enjoy the most in this world. The only thing I can think of to rival it would be maybe if they created edible money wrapped in bacon. The Gators are the heavy favorites going into the season and this has the entire Gator Nation buzzing. Obviously, I'm excited about the possibility of another championship. However, history is littered with teams that fell short of winning the title despite being the popular choice to do so. So, for me, my preseason joy is not rooted in any title talk, Tebow talk, etc. No, I am looking forward to football for a whole other reason...tomorrow is the first game that I will get to watch with Amelia. Now, I'm pretty sure she isn't going to know everything that is going on, but I'm hoping subconsciously this is the beginning of two things - her love of sports and me secretly brainwashing her into being a Gator fan. Why do I want her to love sports? Primarily, because I feel all of life's important lessons can be learned through sports. I want her to learn how to be healthy, how to compete, and how to be a teammate. If she can get these things down, I know she'll be fine in this life. Why do I want to brainwash her into being a Gator fan? Well, I think this is pretty obvious...I would LOVE for her to one day follow her dad and mom and become a UF graduate. I'm thankful for everything UF did for me. It was the source of my career, it is where I met my best friends, and it was the home of the best years of my life. It is only natural that I would want Amelia to follow that path. There is one caveat - if Harvard or Yale come knocking, we'd need to weigh our options (I may be a completely loyal, blinded by allegiance fan, but I'm not stupid). So, while the rest of the Florida fans watch the game tomorrow hoping Florida looks unbeatable, I will be at home with my daughter getting her started on a lifelong journey of fanhood.