The Great War

There comes a point at least once a night in which Amelia needs something. Usually, this requirement is nothing more than a pacifier and a soft rub on the back. Sure, sitting on your couch at 10pm this doesn't sound so bad. However, crawling out from under the covers at 4am is a completely different story. For us, this usually comes down to jockeying, verbal or otherwise, as to who is getting up. Here is a dramatization of this experience -

Amelia: wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Meggan: (acting as if she is asleep and doesn't hear anything)

Me: (acting as if I am asleep, but rustling around in hopes of nudging Meggan awake)

Amelia: wwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaiamstillcryingsoyoubetterhurryuporitwillgetworseaaahhhhhh

Meggan: Will you go give her a pacifier?

Me: (still acting as if I am asleep)

Meggan: Randall, wake up.

Amelia: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaiknowyouhearmeyoudirtyratsaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: (coming out of my "sleep") huh, what's going on?

Meggan: Amelia needs a paci.

Me: I got her the last one

Meggan: I got the two before that

Me: I had to go downstairs and get the last one I got her

Meggan: I had to whittle my two out of wood

Me: That seems unlikely. Either way, it's your tur.... owww, oh Lord, my leg is cramping. I can't get up.

Meggan: Walking it off will help the cramp.

Amelia: wwwwaaaaihopeyouknowhowmuchihatehavinglazyparentsaaaaaaahhhh

Me: I can't see well in the dark.

Meggan: I think I heard a noise and I'm afraid to get up. While you are checking it out, drop a pacifier by Amelia's crib.

Me: That noise you heard was my ankle popping. Its got arthritis setting in from where I broke it. I better keep it elevated.

Meggan: I lost a leg in the Great War...and I have phantom arthritis in my missing ankle.

Me: You weren't even alive then. I'm pretty sure you had two legs when you came to bed.

Meggan: See?? I'm delirious. You'd better go.

Amelia: wwwaaaaaaaaasophieifyoucanhearthisbringmeapacifieraaaahhhhhh

Me: Just go. I have a REALLY long day at work tomorrow.

Meggan: I'd love to, but I have a rare skin sensitivity to cold temperatures. I have to stay under the covers for my safety.

Me: We keep the house warm for Amelia

Meggan: I don't want to get sweaty. I showered right before bed.

Me: You could have given her a paci and been back by now.

Meggan: You could have done it twice. You are much faster than I am.

Me: But not as fast as Sophie.

Sophie: Screw you guys. Keep me out of this. I don't have thumbs and I just licked my butt, so I doubt you want me carrying it to her in my mouth.

Amelia: wwwaaaadoesanyonehavethenumberforchildservicesaaaahhhhh

Meggan: Okay, you go this time and I'll go next time.

Me: You said that the last 3 times.

Meggan: I really mean it this time.

Me: You said THAT the last 2 times.

Meggan: I just wanted to give you a chance to contribute since I take her to daycare and pick her up each day, Then, I prepare her meals and feed her.

Me: I don't want to interfere with the bond you've built as the apparent sole provider of care for her.

Meggan: It's a fact that daughters with less involved dads are more likely to become strippers

Me: So, now she is going to be a stripper if you bring her a paci?

Meggan: Nothing is guaranteed, but I don't want to risk it.

Amelia: waaaaaaseriouslygetoffyourfatrumporiamgoingtogetreallyreallyreallypissedaaaahh

Me: Why don't we just play Rock,Paper,Scissors?

Meggan: It's dark. I can't see.

Me: Okay, on the count of 3, we'll just say it out loud.

Meggan: Whatever

Me: 1....

Me: 2....

Me: 3....

Both of Us: (Silence)

Meggan: You didn't say anything!!

Me: Neither did you! Let's try again.

Me: 1....

Me: 2....

Me: 3....

Me: Rock!

Meggan (A full second late): Paper! You lose.

Me: You cheated! Once more...at the SAME time.

Me: 1....

Me: 2....

Me: 3....

Me: Scissors!

Meggan: getoffyourassandgetherapacifierbecauseifihavetogetupiamnotcomingbacktobeduntilihavedivorcepapersforyoutosign

Me: Hmm, that beats scissors. I'll do it this time, but you are doing it next.

Meggan: Sorry, that ship has sailed.

Me: You are so lame.

Meggan: Shhh. I'm trying to go back to sleep before my missing leg starts acting up again.

Me: I'm going...and quit pretending you lost a leg in war just to keep from getting out of bed. It is pathetic.

Meggan: Agree to disagree. Hurry back.

Sophie: Sucker.

Amelia: Sucker.