Potty.....please

Potty training is a pain in the rear. I hate every single thing about it. However, there is one thing I hate more than the rest. Sure, I hate how gross it is, how inconvenient it is, and how frustrating it can be. Also, did I mention it is nasty? I know most people say diapers are far more disgusting. I call these people "liars". Rather than wiping, I literally close my eyes and wish the poop away. It hasn't worked yet, but I'm hopeful. I also tried clicking my heels three times while saying "there's no place like home" - another failure. So far, the only thing that has worked for me is running screaming from the bathroom and yelling for Meggan to go in there. Luckily, that one works every time (which I have to admit has only been a handful of times as Meggan already assumes the role of Chief Potty Officer). Having said all that, the thing I hate the most about potty training is that for the love of God I cannot get her to do it. I've offered her candy, money, jewelry, ice cream for breakfast, a car, one embarrassment-free date when she's older, a temporary lift of the requirement that she attend college at UF, etc.. So, she knows we want her to potty. I know she knows we want her to potty. She knows I know she knows we want her to potty. What I don't know is if she doesn't care or if she simply enjoys being defiant. Either way, when we sit her on the potty and she doesn't go, says she doesn't have to go, and then puts a beatdown on a diaper 5 minutes later...I basically want to pack her things and send her to military school.