Now You Know

For any of you who don't have kids yet, here is a short list of things I have now found to be true since having both a boy and a girl...

- If you have a daughter, you will immediately begin to hate all boys and/or shows like Teen Mom. Yes, Amelia is still 10+ years away from dating...but, that will still be 10+ years too soon for me.

- If you have a son, you will find for some reason, they enter the world with man-balls the size of their heads. I'm pretty sure they can't walk or crawl for several months simply because those things would drag on the ground.

- Speaking of the your son's "area", it doesn't matter how careful you are, the little dude is going to pee on you. It may come in a stream of glory at bath time or it may be a sneak attack the second you take his diaper off. But, mark my words...there will be pee. Oh, yes, there will be pee.

- Just as you think your daughter has done all the silly stuff she can think to do, she'll sneak up behind you, shove your toothbrush up the leg of your shorts, and try to brush your butt cheek with it.

- When you have a wild 3 year-old and a colicky baby at home, that job you hated going to can actually turn into your only quiet sanctuary.

- When you have a sweet 3 year-old and a precious baby at home, that job you thought was your quiet sanctuary can quickly become a hated obstacle that keeps you from seeing your loved ones.

- You will learn that the folks at Nickelodeon Jr. are evil marketing geniuses that end their shows early and quickly start the following show so your DVR catches the first 5 minutes of the second show. This will cause your child to throw a fit wanting to watch this new show and you'll have to spend an hour trying to explain digital cable and DVR systems to your 3 year-old...and then you'll pray the second show comes on again so you can start recording that series as well.

- You will succumb to the fact that every piece of clothing you now own has a spot on it somewhere. It may be food. It may be barf. It may be your own tears. You'll never know. That said, it will never wash out of the clothing and you will not notice it until you are walking out the door for work.

- Your free time is sort of like Tim Tebow's girlfriend...you feel like it should exist, but for some reason there is no sign of it anywhere.

- People will tell you daycare is expensive. While true, a better way to put it is daycare is absolutely asinine in terms of cost. I could literally buy a new car every year for what it is going to cost to send Amelia and Everett to school.

- The only thing I spend more money on than daycare are the doctor bills for treating the many illnesses Amelia has picked up while at said daycare.

- When it comes to potty training and bedtime, it doesn't matter what you do. Your child will decide exactly when they will subscribe to these practices. Bribery and threats are only short term token solutions your child gives in to in order to give you the illusion of making progress.

- It doesn't matter how mild mannered you are, your kids will do something on a weekly basis that makes you want to break something, beat someone, or sell them on Craigslist.

- Your dog, which has always been a 'part of your family', will find its existence on very thin ice each and every time it barks during nap time.

- You love your parents, your siblings are your closest peers on the planet, and you'd jump in front of traffic for your spouse. However, if you add up all the things you feel about these people, it still will not come close to how it feels when you see your kids for the first time.