Well, I had a longer blog post, but I decided to delete it because Meggan said it is bedtime. I will leave it with this short list of questions that came to mind while changing a diaper tonight:
1) Why in the hell do diapers have Elmo, Cookie Monster, etc. on them? Mia is an equal opportunity diaper punisher. She makes no special requests to defile Grover or any other various children's show character. Plus, I hate them because they stare at me mockingly while I show how inept I am at handling dirty diapers.
2) What's with this 'front to back' for girls business? I understand why I should do it, but let's be honest, by the time I get to the scene of the crime, the poo has circumvented all the diaper's security systems and is already made its way to the front, the back, potentially Amelia's back, etc. At this point, there is NOTHING I can do to hurt the situation.
3) How in the world do I always end up with mystery poo on me?!? and why, for the love of God, do I never find this poo until ten minutes AFTER I wholeheartedly believe everything is cleaned and over with?!?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Girls will be girls
As many of you know, Sophie and Amelia have sort of a love-hate relationship. This was never more evident than it was today when I caught them having this completely non-conversational dialogue via stare down on the couch while Meggan was out at the gym.
Amelia: How does it feel being the second favorite?
Sophie: You tell me. I wouldn't know. I'm the one they let sleep in the bed with them.
Amelia: No need to sleep in their bed when they love you enough to give you your own bedroom.
Sophie: If that's what you have to tell yourself. Just don't forget, they handpicked me. They just got stuck with you.
Amelia: If by handpicked you mean "bought the mixed breed mutt that was on clearance" and by got stuck with you mean "were blessed by God and the miracle of human conception" then I'd have to concede.
Sophie: Why don't you concede that your biggest daily accomplishment is taking a poop in your diaper?
Amelia: Yes, that is so much less impressive than licking your own butt. By the way, I spit up in your dog food.
Sophie: With all that pooping you do, I'm surprised you are so fat. On a side note, I lick all the nipples on your bottles before you eat.
Amelia: Fraggle Rock called, they want their hair back.
Sophie: Keep talking about my hair and I'll eat ANOTHER one of your pacifiers...while you watch.
Amelia: And they will board you in doggy prison again while they take me on another vacation.
Sophie: Low blow. I hate you.
Amelia: I hate you more.
Sophie: I hated you first.
Amelia: I'm tired, you want to snuggle up on this blanket and take a nap?
Sophie: I'd like nothing more, scooch over a bit.
Amelia: How does it feel being the second favorite?
Sophie: You tell me. I wouldn't know. I'm the one they let sleep in the bed with them.
Amelia: No need to sleep in their bed when they love you enough to give you your own bedroom.
Sophie: If that's what you have to tell yourself. Just don't forget, they handpicked me. They just got stuck with you.
Amelia: If by handpicked you mean "bought the mixed breed mutt that was on clearance" and by got stuck with you mean "were blessed by God and the miracle of human conception" then I'd have to concede.
Sophie: Why don't you concede that your biggest daily accomplishment is taking a poop in your diaper?
Amelia: Yes, that is so much less impressive than licking your own butt. By the way, I spit up in your dog food.
Sophie: With all that pooping you do, I'm surprised you are so fat. On a side note, I lick all the nipples on your bottles before you eat.
Amelia: Fraggle Rock called, they want their hair back.
Sophie: Keep talking about my hair and I'll eat ANOTHER one of your pacifiers...while you watch.
Amelia: And they will board you in doggy prison again while they take me on another vacation.
Sophie: Low blow. I hate you.
Amelia: I hate you more.
Sophie: I hated you first.
Amelia: I'm tired, you want to snuggle up on this blanket and take a nap?
Sophie: I'd like nothing more, scooch over a bit.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Growing, growing, gone
Amelia is in the middle of a gargantuan growth spurt. No matter when she ate or how much she ate, she is ready for more. If she doesn't stop soon, she'll have grown so much that she will be wearing Depends and borrowing her mother's clothes.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Advice for Mia.... that I should try to follow
We are two months in and I can say so far Amelia has been basically the perfect baby. She eats on a schedule, sleeps on a schedule, and is developing in most other aspects at or ahead of schedule. So, if she continues at this pace, I assume we will be swearing Dr. Amelia Barber into the oval office sometime in the future. However, just in case my completely unbiased prediction doesn't come true, and Amelia achieves a slightly less spectacular level of success, I have a few words of advice to Mia to ensure that she will still have it pretty good...
1) Do not procrastinate. This is one of the hardest rules to follow in life. If you can truly get all your work done before you go play, you are on top of your game. I admit there is a grotesquely fine line between procrastinating and simply not having enough time to pursue your dreams. For instance, I am still waiting to get my MBA, read tons of books, take up yoga, and become a writer. Now, its debatable how much of that is procrastination and how much of that is unattainable, due to time or ability. If you simply do the best job you can at discerning which goals are remotely achievable and working towards them early and often, eschewing innate human desire for instant gratification, you will go far in this life.
2) Understand where your fear resides...then go to his house and take his lunch money. Everyone is afraid of something. Those who know me, know that I have plenty of issues with fear. In some sense, the hypocrisy of me giving this advice is laughable. I am deathly afraid to fly, so what have I done to conquer that fear? Being the big, bad man that I am ... I completely avoided flying for about 10 years and only then did I fly once in lieu of losing my job. So, while I may not be the most shining example of following this advice, it is still solid advice. Beethoven couldn't hear his own music. It didn't make the composition any less of a classic. Fear will do nothing but cloud your judgement, force you to miss opportunities, and fill your life with regret. Fear is a bully. It will attack you and oppress you until you stand up for yourself and fight back.
3) Find a career you are passionate about. This one is really just a simple logic problem. If all people must have a job, and being forced to work makes people unhappy, and only people who are truly passionate about their job don't feel like it is "work", you MUST find a job you are passionate about or you will be unhappy.
4) Find a good group of friends. This might be the most important advice of the four since your friends can help ease the pain of not following the other three. I recently went to a wedding of a good friend. The crowd at this wedding was littered with people I have been friends with for 12 years - 40% of my life. Unfortunately, as time passes and life gets in the way, communication is not as easy as it should be. This fact meant that I had not spoken to some of these friends in months, and on the rare occasion, years. Even after this absence, the kinship felt as comfortable as an old t-shirt. There was nothing forced. There were no awkward pauses. If nature were to transport us back to our dorm rooms, we would seamlessly pick up where we left off some ten years ago. These guys are my brothers, it just so happens that we have different parents and didn't meet until we were eighteen. If you can get a group of friends to lean on in tough times and celebrate with in good times, you will never be alone in this world. I promise you, what you do to enrich the lives of those nearest to you and what you take away from those same people will shape who you become as a person.
Mia, you have a long time before you have to worry about most of this advice. I hope these will all come easy to you. However, I know I will play a great role in determining many of these aspects of your life. I am a firm believer in setting examples. 'Do as I say and not as I do' is the motto for people who are too lazy to change their ways. In this vain, I hope to use you as inspiration to make some changes in my life. So, perhaps soon I will put more passion into my career, procrastinate less, and fly more...well, two out of three isn't bad. I'll get started on that - tomorrow.
1) Do not procrastinate. This is one of the hardest rules to follow in life. If you can truly get all your work done before you go play, you are on top of your game. I admit there is a grotesquely fine line between procrastinating and simply not having enough time to pursue your dreams. For instance, I am still waiting to get my MBA, read tons of books, take up yoga, and become a writer. Now, its debatable how much of that is procrastination and how much of that is unattainable, due to time or ability. If you simply do the best job you can at discerning which goals are remotely achievable and working towards them early and often, eschewing innate human desire for instant gratification, you will go far in this life.
2) Understand where your fear resides...then go to his house and take his lunch money. Everyone is afraid of something. Those who know me, know that I have plenty of issues with fear. In some sense, the hypocrisy of me giving this advice is laughable. I am deathly afraid to fly, so what have I done to conquer that fear? Being the big, bad man that I am ... I completely avoided flying for about 10 years and only then did I fly once in lieu of losing my job. So, while I may not be the most shining example of following this advice, it is still solid advice. Beethoven couldn't hear his own music. It didn't make the composition any less of a classic. Fear will do nothing but cloud your judgement, force you to miss opportunities, and fill your life with regret. Fear is a bully. It will attack you and oppress you until you stand up for yourself and fight back.
3) Find a career you are passionate about. This one is really just a simple logic problem. If all people must have a job, and being forced to work makes people unhappy, and only people who are truly passionate about their job don't feel like it is "work", you MUST find a job you are passionate about or you will be unhappy.
4) Find a good group of friends. This might be the most important advice of the four since your friends can help ease the pain of not following the other three. I recently went to a wedding of a good friend. The crowd at this wedding was littered with people I have been friends with for 12 years - 40% of my life. Unfortunately, as time passes and life gets in the way, communication is not as easy as it should be. This fact meant that I had not spoken to some of these friends in months, and on the rare occasion, years. Even after this absence, the kinship felt as comfortable as an old t-shirt. There was nothing forced. There were no awkward pauses. If nature were to transport us back to our dorm rooms, we would seamlessly pick up where we left off some ten years ago. These guys are my brothers, it just so happens that we have different parents and didn't meet until we were eighteen. If you can get a group of friends to lean on in tough times and celebrate with in good times, you will never be alone in this world. I promise you, what you do to enrich the lives of those nearest to you and what you take away from those same people will shape who you become as a person.
Mia, you have a long time before you have to worry about most of this advice. I hope these will all come easy to you. However, I know I will play a great role in determining many of these aspects of your life. I am a firm believer in setting examples. 'Do as I say and not as I do' is the motto for people who are too lazy to change their ways. In this vain, I hope to use you as inspiration to make some changes in my life. So, perhaps soon I will put more passion into my career, procrastinate less, and fly more...well, two out of three isn't bad. I'll get started on that - tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Dedication
I have always been much more passionate about my relationship with Christ than I have about my relationship with religion. While I have never wavered in my beliefs or my faith, growing up I did not often find myself in church on Sundays. Actually, I give Meggan complete credit for the marriage of faith and church in my life. Over the course of our relationship, our trips to Sunday service have become some of my favorite times and have acted as strengthening pillars of our lives. However, this past Easter weekend, I had my most powerful experience at church and my eyes were opened to the true beauty of fellowship. On Sunday, we had a dedication ceremony for Amelia. It was an unbelievable feeling to see Mia in her pink church dress, surrounded by friends and family, being loved and accepted by the entire congregation. I was really struck by the fact that there were people in the crowd, from young women to grown men, who were moved to tears during this ceremony. Perhaps it was the meaning of the ceremony. Perhaps it was their love of Meggan and the woman and mother she has become. Either way, it was one of the purest showings of fellowship I have witnessed. I have only been to this particular church on a handful of occasions. However, each and every time, I could feel the sense of belonging and the overriding acceptance of anyone who is willing to walk through its doors. For this, I want to say thank you for allowing me the experience of having my daughter's dedication amid such a loving, caring church family.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Baby for Sale - Amendment
Me again. Well, as it turns out, it is apparently NOT legal to sell your babies. I'm not sure who makes the laws in this country, but I find the double standard a tragedy. Somehow, it is perfectly okay to sell a dog, but not a baby?!? Frankly, I find babies very overrated anyways. Everyone says "oooh, she was born with so much hair on her head"...big frickin' deal people. I was born with hair from my head to my nubby...top that, baby. All she does is eat, sleep, and poop. Let's see, which of those I can muster up the genius to do? Check, check, and check. I'd like to see her try to protect this family from the rabbit that creeps into the back yard! How about singlehandedly keeping the litter box free of poo? Can she can hear a crumb hit the floor from 15 feet and lick it up while observing the 5 second rule? I don't think so! All she can do is sit around and suck on a pacifier - which doesn't even taste good (I would know as I have eaten 3 of them). So, armed with my newly found knowledge of the legal system, I have decided to take a different route.
For Sale:
One really awesome Jack-a-Poo known as '10 pounds of furry fury'. All I can say for myself is that I am way better than any damn baby and would be a great addition to any home. Of course, a specimen of my level is not free. I will require a lifestyle at least as good as the deprived one I have here. This means a minimum of 400 thread count sheets, an unlimited supply of rawhide bones, samples of all meat my master is eating, belly rubs any time I want them, several time periods of playtime per day, a house with no attention stealing babies or cats, a new toy every time I destroy an old toy, and an occasional Frosty Paw ice cream treat on a hot day. If you feel you can provide this, contact me at: sophieplaysseconfiddletonobody@babiesstink.com
For Sale:
One really awesome Jack-a-Poo known as '10 pounds of furry fury'. All I can say for myself is that I am way better than any damn baby and would be a great addition to any home. Of course, a specimen of my level is not free. I will require a lifestyle at least as good as the deprived one I have here. This means a minimum of 400 thread count sheets, an unlimited supply of rawhide bones, samples of all meat my master is eating, belly rubs any time I want them, several time periods of playtime per day, a house with no attention stealing babies or cats, a new toy every time I destroy an old toy, and an occasional Frosty Paw ice cream treat on a hot day. If you feel you can provide this, contact me at: sophieplaysseconfiddletonobody@babiesstink.com
Baby For Sale
For Sale:
One tiny baby - Slightly used. This model comes with all the 2009 upgrades! Owners would love to keep her, but unfortunately they already had a full house. She is perfect for early risers and night owls...and particularly great for people who don't need sleep at all! Listen up all you workout warriors, this is the chance of a lifetime. Imagine how great your arms will look after you carry around this adorable 10 lb weight all day. The exercises are limitless - there's the Carrier Curl for those biceps, the Crib Lift for your back and core, and your rump will be like pure granite from going up and down the stairs 100 times a day as whatever you need will inevitably be on the other floor. As if this wasn't enough, you will flip when you find out how easy this baby is to take care of. Not a chef? That's okay! Her diet consists of only one thing - anyone can mix formula. Not a fashion guru? No problem! Act now and I will throw in all her clothes...the pink ones, the other pink ones, and the other other pink ones. Don't have a strong stomach? okay, well, you are on your own on that one. Hey, nobody's perfect. How much could something so great cost? Well, today is your lucky day. If you act now, she can be yours for the bargain basement price of 2 rawhide bones, 1 squeaky basketball, and a bag of Beggin' Strips.
Please send all inquiries to Sophie, the attention starved Jack-a-Poo. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact the baby's parents. I look forward to doing business with you.
Sophie B.
Licks and Stogies, Inc.
Charlotte, North Carolina
One tiny baby - Slightly used. This model comes with all the 2009 upgrades! Owners would love to keep her, but unfortunately they already had a full house. She is perfect for early risers and night owls...and particularly great for people who don't need sleep at all! Listen up all you workout warriors, this is the chance of a lifetime. Imagine how great your arms will look after you carry around this adorable 10 lb weight all day. The exercises are limitless - there's the Carrier Curl for those biceps, the Crib Lift for your back and core, and your rump will be like pure granite from going up and down the stairs 100 times a day as whatever you need will inevitably be on the other floor. As if this wasn't enough, you will flip when you find out how easy this baby is to take care of. Not a chef? That's okay! Her diet consists of only one thing - anyone can mix formula. Not a fashion guru? No problem! Act now and I will throw in all her clothes...the pink ones, the other pink ones, and the other other pink ones. Don't have a strong stomach? okay, well, you are on your own on that one. Hey, nobody's perfect. How much could something so great cost? Well, today is your lucky day. If you act now, she can be yours for the bargain basement price of 2 rawhide bones, 1 squeaky basketball, and a bag of Beggin' Strips.
Please send all inquiries to Sophie, the attention starved Jack-a-Poo. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact the baby's parents. I look forward to doing business with you.
Sophie B.
Licks and Stogies, Inc.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Sunday, April 5, 2009
my heart stopped
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. In the end, God was looking out for Amelia, or perhaps me, and rescued her from my mistake. However, for a span of a few hours, highlighted by a few seconds that felt like hours, I was filled with a terror I've never known. As I carried Amelia from one room to another in her carrier, something I've done a hundred times in the last month, I made a huge mistake - a mistake a parent can't make. I became nonchalant. During this split second of time in which I wasn't completely focused on my sweet, sleeping angel, the carrier shifted and she was dumped head first onto the hardwood floor. I can't fully express the immediate rush of emotion that came over me. If you are a parent, no explanation is needed. This little girl, who depends on me for love, for nurture, and most importantly for safety, was severely let down. I had not done my job as a father. Last night consisted of a drive to the hospital in which I broke down emotionally, a 2 hour visit in the emergency room where doctors assured me that unless a one in a million event occurs, all will be well, and the subsequent several hours sitting awake in my bed watching Amelia and waiting for that one in a million event. Thankfully, it never happened. On the back end of this mess I can fairly safely say that the whole trauma was over for Amelia about a minute after she hit the ground. However, I can certainly safely say that the images and the memories of last night will never leave me. I know this was truly an accident that led to nothing more than a hospital bill, but for me, it will serve as a reminder to never again let down my guard while dealing with someone so precious.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Moms and Dads
Tonight, we instituted a new bedtime routine for Amelia. As we sat in her dimly lit room, Meggan rocking her to sleep while soft music played in the background, all I could think was "how lucky is this little girl to have a mom like this?" I try to be a good dad. I'm completely in love with my daughter. I fully subscribe to the theory that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is with pride, not shame, that I say she has me wrapped around her finger. Having said all that, everything I do for her and because of her is minuscule in comparison to what Meggan does. When she is left alone with me, I have two objectives - 1) play with her and have as much fun as we can until one of us barfs. 2) get her to sleep quietly whether that requires food, a pacifier, or prayer (I haven't moved to liquor....yet). Meggan, on the other hand, spends her time learning all the great parenting tips she can. She makes sure we do Tummy Time to strengthen her neck. She knows her feeding schedule and exactly how many ounces she needs. She formulates her bedtime routine and makes sure we take a bath to wash Mia's "milky mouth". All this doesn't even take into account the fact that she actually gave birth and put her lady parts on the line in order to breastfeed. So, essentially, Meggan takes every measure to ensure Amelia the healthiest, greatest life possible while my parental instincts lead me to blowing fart noises on Mia's belly. I may be understating my duties a bit, but the moral remains the same, Meggan is a wonderful mother and Amelia may never fully know how lucky she is.
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