Time to ourselves

Over my 3 months as a father, I have learned countless lessons. Additionally, I have gone through countless emotions. Now that Mia is in daycare, I have found Meggan and I faced with a new, rare feeling that I am sure all new parents go through at some point...Guilt. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately in these troubled economic times, I have had to work from virtually the day after the baby was born. Given this, it is natural that guilt has occasionally attempted to creep its way into my mind. It has shown up when I look at Amelia's picture on my desk at work. I've heard guilt's hollow voice when I was unable to attend Mia's pediatrician appointments. Throughout the 3 months, the closest guilt has come to actually cracking the dam were the few occasions in which I have left the baby asleep in the morning and was not able to return until after she was back in bed that night. However, I have always been able to stand up to guilt by using the defense that I HAVE to work. I don't have an option to stay at home and it is directly on Amelia's behalf that I work so hard. Does this make me feel great? No. But, it does make me feel about two rungs up the ladder from deadbeat dads and overall general dirt bags. So, hey, at least I have that going for me.

So, this brings me back to my original point - this new form of guilt Meggan and I have been feeling. Friday was the first opportunity we have had since the baby was born to spend some time together while she was at daycare...and we really liked it. Neither one of us actually wanted to say those words, but it was apparent. There is an overwhelming feeling that I SHOULD want to spend all available waking hours with Amelia. To some extent, this is founded. I do love her with all my heart and would literally give anything for her. However, it was damn nice to be able to go shopping and to eat without having a 3 hour human timer. There was no nap to worry about, no dirty diapers to change, and no bottle to make. It was a welcome chance to hang out with Meggan again as husband and wife, and not solely as parents. So, does this make us bad parents? Are we selfish people? My head tells me we aren't. My head tells me that bad parents don't ever need a break from their children because they go on living their lives with no regard for the kids in the first place. My head tells me that selfish people would be too caught up in themselves to even consider feeling bad about it. But, my heart, a little piece of it still feels like I am undervaluing the precious time I have with Mia, particularly Baby Mia. I'm sure this will be one of those growing experiences that Meggan and I look back on one day. I suppose until that day comes, we will just have to deal with the perpetual act of trying to balance work time, personal time, Amelia time, marriage time, and any other kind of time that exists...at least until Mia gets to the age where she'd rather be waterboarded than hang out with her parents. Then, we will spend our time together talking about how lonely we are and how much we miss our baby girl. Something about grass being greener comes to mind.