puppy beware

I found this notice on my bedside table this morning.....


To whom it may concern,

Consider this my official notice that any puppies brought into this house will face the wrath of 9 lbs of furry vengeance. IF I decide not to eat the puppy upon entry, I will reserve the right to unconditionally whip that puppy ass if any of the following were to occur:

1) eating a single morsel of my food, including but not limited to food in my bowl, food dropped by Amelia, and/or rabbit turds in the back yard.

2) marking or defiling my favorite spots in the yard in any way. For purposes of this notice, "yard" shall mean the entire Southeastern region of the U.S.

3) biting, touching, sniffing, or licking any of my toys, particularly Piggy as he and I go way back. For purposes of this notice, merely thinking of the aforementioned acts will constitute a breach of agreement punishable by any means necessary including the use of my paws of fury.

4) this one is simple...stay the hell out of my bed or you will die. I have worked too hard to gain that freedom for you to bring your big, clumsy rear into the equation and ruin it for me.

5) look, we all saw Marley and Me. It was cute. I laughed, I cried. That said, it has given you retrievers a really inflated ego. If you come in here acting all Hollywood, I'll be forced to smack the puppy breath right out of your mouth.
You won't be the first big dog I have had to keep in check. There's a mean yellow lab that lives behind me and trust me, he thanks his lucky stars daily for the fence between us keeping him safe.

So, there you have it. Any puppy willing to adhere to the terms of this agreement or face the consequences has my blessing to enter this family.

-Sophie