Time Off?

It is becoming blatantly obvious that Meggan and I have differing views on what "time off" means. Today was a great example of this grotesque differential. In short, here was my list of things to do today when I woke up:

- sleep in
- play new Wii
- write
- go to the gym
- watch tv, possibly a movie
- relax

Here, apparently, was Meggan's list:

- wake up early
- create a list of chores to monopolize Randall's day
- wait until Randall settles in for relaxing day
- surprise him with list
- clean out closet that nobody uses
- decide today is the day the garage MUST be cleaned...not tomorrow...and CERTAINLY not the following day
- move all things on the left side of the garage to the right side of the garage
- move all things on the right side of the garage to the left side of the garage
- check in on husband to make sure he isn't accidentally relaxing - not on my watch
- determine despite its relatively small importance, the wrapping paper needs to be placed in a bin
- go to Target to find bins that hold wrapping paper
- curse all people who thought of these bins before they were all sold out
- ensure the majority of the relaxable portion of the day is over
- have a lovely evening with my family


*note - despite my complaining, I actually do realize Meggan is the only reason we get anything done in this house.

Just like that, Christmas has come and gone. In so many ways, it seems like Amelia just got here and now she has already celebrated her first Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, it played out much more memorably in my head than in real life. Amelia recognized that it was Christmas about as much as I notice when Meggan is wearing a new sweater or as much as Meggan notices when I cut the 5 remaining hairs on my head. She had only a very slight interest in unwrapping gifts and even less interest in playing with the gifts once they were opened. So, other than the shiny bows she repeatedly tried to eat, Christmas was just like any other day for Mia...any other day with a LOT of food and a LOT of people around. I suppose even if it didn't live up to my beyond realistic expectations, she got a little practice at opening gifts so she'll be ready when her 1st birthday rolls around in under 2 months.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all the readers of the blog! We are visiting family this weekend, so the blog was/is going to be limited. I'll leave you guys with a short snapshot from my weekend. On the way down, I had one of those moments where you feel you are actually watching the movie of your life more so than living it. I was driving, Meggan was in the back seat of the car keeping Amelia occupied in her car seat. This gave me a chance to peek in on them in the rear view mirror while they had no idea. The car was basically driving on autopilot as I watched Meggan sing the Christmas carols from the radio to Amelia. She was all smiles. It was a brilliantly satisfying few moments for me to see my beautiful wife completely immersed in joy and laughter with my daughter. I am thankful to have been lucky enough to soak in that time rather than let it pass as it so often does. It was a great reminder to me of what this whole thing is all about. I hope you all take advantage of the limited chances you get to watch and appreciate as the snippets of your story unfold for you.

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,
As you probably already know, I've been a good boy this year. For this, I was hoping you could bring me one present- an immune system for my daughter. I promise you no gift could be better. If this is out of the question, can you please just arrange for her current ailments to go away. This would include both ear infections, any complications from teething, a loss of appetite, a bout of pure fussiness, and today's recent development...a full body rash...Yes, a full body rash. This is SERIOUSLY getting old. If I don't get this by Christmas, Santa, I might as well start misbehaving because clearly being good hasn't done anything for me.

Sincerely,

Me

loooooong day

Well, it was confirmed by the doctor today that Amelia is suffering from ANOTHER ear infection. This time, to go all out since it is the holiday season, she has infections in BOTH ears and is starting to cut a tooth. Yeah, she's a real treat to be around. In the last 24 hours, she has decided not to eat, has thrown up, has had a constant fever, has screamed her head off, and has had almost zero sleep. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. If not, I may be the one screaming.

It takes all kinds

I had to sit at the car dealership for about an hour yesterday waiting on some service to be done and I'm telling you, it could not have felt more like being at the DMV. I'm not sure if I could have picked a better people watching crowd. There was:

- A man who looked to be in his mid 30s watching Home Alone on one of the TVs...and laughing hysterically.

- A lady who was at least 70 picked up the newspaper, thumbed through it, pulled out the Sports section and sat down to read it.

- The guy next to me got up 4 separate times to fill his bag of free popcorn and proceeded to crunch it loudly enough to be heard for a 15 feet radius.

- A different grown man, who spoke broken English at best when speaking to the mechanic, was watching Babar on the other TV....and laughing hysterically.

So, while I typically hate sitting in waiting rooms, I was pleased to find this one came with its own built in entertainment.

Thanks

The war in Iraq just became real to me. It crept into my home over the weekend and it will likely never leave. A few days ago, I went to see my nephew, who is being shipped over to the Middle East in the near future. While it may be a popular sentiment to question whether or not we should be fighting, nobody can dispute the fight we currently have at hand. Brave soldiers such as my nephews (another nephew leaves for Navy boot camp in January)have decided to risk the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of the greater good. On their shoulders, they have taken the burden of our freedom. In a reality of costly measures, they have offered up their livelihoods as collateral. There are not enough words to describe the gratitude every one of us should feel toward these men and women. They will face constant dangers. They will be separated from their friends and families for months, if not years at a time. And they will work tirelessly day and night. All this, to give us the opportunity to feel safe and secure, to watch our little ones joyously play, and to sleep well in our warm beds knowing they are out there protecting us. For this, I can only think to say Thank You and ask that God watches over each and every one of them.

Day Off 2

How do I know I am cheap? ... because I stood outside in 40-something degree weather at one of those spray hose car wash places because I didn't want to spend $15 to have it done for me.

How do I know I am an idiot? ... because I spent almost $14 at a hand spray car wash place in 40-something degree weather to avoid spending $15 to have it done for me.

Day Off

I have a very rare day off today in which I am not working, not tending to a sick baby, and not sick myself. Sure, I have a million things to do around the house and around town, but that is a pleasure compared to a normal Monday. So far, I have already learned two things about having relaxing days off...

1) Don't bother trying to get an early start, all the little shops you wanted to go to are not open early. There is no need to go to the bookstore to read or write until 9 and you can forget about renting a movie until 10. Seemingly, if you are the kind of person who wants to sit around writing or watching movies, you are supposed to be a slacker who sleeps in.

2) Apparently, women have a different dress code than men. I saw at least two different women in Target in their pajamas - pajama pants, old t-shirt, fuzzy slippers. These women did not appear to know each other in any way. Thus, I can assume that on two separate occsasions this morning, someone decided it was perfectly fine to leave their home under no state of emergency and go to a public place in the clothing they slept in. Because these were two women, they looked cute, free spirited, etc. However, had I gone out in my pajamas, people would have thought I had escaped the mental ward. Advantage - women.

Deeeelicious

Tonight, I caught my daughter, who is quicker than she looks, attempting to eat a kernel of dog food. This did not make me proud.

On the road

This weekend, we have driven down to Atlanta to see some family and wish my nephew well as he prepares to depart for Iraq. So far, Mia has been a very good traveler. We left the house last night around 6 and she was already fed, bathed, and in her pajamas. So, she took a nice little nap on the way down. Today, Meggan went shopping while Mia and I spent the day with Grandma. I'm certain Meggan was in constant concern over the well-being of her child. However, to her surprise, Amelia survived the day and is doing well. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but I suspect it will be more of the same.

Sophie: Listen baby, I think we need to really start treating each other better since it is getting close to Christmas
Amelia: What does Christmas have to do with anything? Even if Santa doesn't bring me a bunch of stuff, I have dad wrapped around my finger.
Sophie: Yeah, me too, but Santa brings some sweet gifts.
Amelia: You too?!? You are lucky he lets you still live in the house. One word and I could have you gone.
Sophie: We'll see who gets the better gift from him. He's the one who bought me this designer collar.
Amelia: What's designer about that piece of crap?
Sophie: Well, I don't mean to talk over your fashion head, but, it's Christian Louboutin...that's why it's red.
Amelia: Yeeeeaaah, and that smell isn't coming from my diaper. Get serious, dude. Dad is too cheap to buy you anything designer. He'd probably just spray paint the bottom of a pair of shoes for mom before he bought HER Louboutin's. What a sucker.
Sophie: I'm a sucker? Well, why don't you try this on for size....those "panties" you've been wearing. Those aren't Louis Vuitton. Dad just went through them and removed the "U" and the "S" from a pack of cheap LuVs diapers. Haha. They aren't even Pampers.
Amelia: Well, color my face red...a lot prettier shade of red than that cheap ass collar of yours.
Sophie: Santa heard that.
Amelia: Dad didn't. So, I'll be juuuuust fine.

Cough it up

It is shortly after 6a.m., why am I blogging? Well, you may remember from a few posts ago that I don't have the easiest time going to sleep. That problem extends to any time I have to get out of bed and thus must return BACK to sleep. This morning, Mia wanted to test that theory. She has been coughing her head off for a few weeks now. We've been to the doctor and they say to let her cough it up. The only problem with that is it makes it very hard for her to sleep because she coughs herself awake...then cries us awake. Needless to say, this morning was an exceptionally strong bout of coughing. The only difference today was she had the timing of a well choreographed ballet. She cried, we got up to check on her, hold her, soothe her back to sleep,etc. I stayed up a bit just to make certain she was okay. After all signs were clear, I drifted back to sleep. Roughly 10 seconds later, here come the cries. Once it became obvious she was not going back to sleep this time. I headed downstairs to get her bottle. Upon my return to her room...she was out like a light. By this point, I was a little frustrated and a lot awake. I decided to go ahead and head to the gym before work. As much as the idea of early morning workouts pains me, it would be a good use of my limited time. Shirt. Check. Pants. Check. Socks. Check. Shoes. Check. Kiss Meggan on forehead. Check. Quietly sneak down the stairs. Check. Grab snack. Check. Begin to open door. Cough Cough Cry Cough Cry NO check. Damn. So, I headed back upstairs, gave her a bottle, and she sweetly drifted off to sleep (after taking 3 breaks during the feeding to break into applause). I'm glad she is finally getting some sleep, but I wish she had either let me go back to sleep, feed her the first time, or head to the gym. Instead, I decided to write a quick blog - which became not so quick since I have had to go help her back to sleep 2 times while writing it. This cough has got to go...or I am moving out.

A round of applause

In a week of growth, Mia has conquered another small hurdle. Yesterday, she started clapping her hands. We've been trying to get her to clap for a while now. She previously only waved one arm in the air. So much so, that we had actually accepted this as her version of clapping. As it turns out, she wasn't way ahead of the curve with her own style. She was just taking her sweet time to learn the new trick. As many of you know, my beloved Gators decided to go take a crap on the field last night. In the past, this would have been a real mood killer for me. However, Amelia has gone a long way to put it all in perspective for me. Thus, even in the eyes of defeat, her little applause gave me all I needed to cheer about.

To teeth or not to teeth?

Picture a baby tooth. Now, take away 99% of that tooth. Okay, if that little speck of a tooth you are left with were mostly hidden with only a small portion of it sticking out, that would be what Amelia has. Coupled with this microscopic miracle are all the symptoms - low grade fever, fussiness, chewing on things, etc. So, she is either teething or is just catching her now standard weekend illness. I suppose we will know sooner rather than later. Either way, Meggan and I are preparing for a rough night.

Tonight, I stared at this blog screen and for the first time, I had nothing to say. It is one of those nights where my mind is being dominated by two points of focus that have no place on the blog. So, tonight, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who read the blog, and a particular thanks to any of you who comment on it either publicly or privately. This blog has been a blast for me and I think in time, it will serve as a great reminder for me of this great period in my life. To fulfill your Mia fix, here is a short list of some of her recent developments:

- eating cheerios
- pulling up to a stand anywhere and everywhere - the couch, her crib, the bathtub...
- briefly standing without holding anything
- crawling on her hands and knees
- completely and utterly avoiding having any sign of any teeth
-

Inspiring?

Soooo, I just watched The Biggest Loser while paying bills. I'm pretty sure those two items combined to put me in about as low of a state of mind as you can get. I now feel completely out of shape and poor. Awesome! The contestants on the show just finished running a marathon. Yet, I'm pretty sure I broke a sweat checking the mail earlier today. Also, I can't say for certain, but I am starting to doubt my dinner choice of four chicken tenders and a Little Debbie Christmas Tree cake. It seemed like such a better idea before I watched the show.

She makes it easy

Many of you probably saw pictures of Amelia's first real haircut on my Facebook page, but I'll go ahead and post one or two on here as well. I am so proud of this little girl. She sat in her fire truck chair without any hesitation. She wasn't afraid at all. To my surprise, she didn't even bat an eyelash when they brought out the blow dryer. It was as if she has done these salon trips 100 times. Can you get a love of salons and spa treatments handed down genetically? Knowing her mother, that would probably explain it.

Black Friday

We decided to go ahead and take the plunge into the madness that is Black Friday. We didn't go all out and wake up at 4a.m., but we did brave the crowds at the mall. For certain, there were people everywhere and the sales staff was out in force. While I didn't like the crowds and hassle of it all, I was fortunate enough to not have anyone really infringe upon my personal space. I was a little surprised, however, that I was not approached by ONE salesman the entire time. I'd see them hand something to the person in front of me, look at me, and move on to the next person. At one particular point it occurred to me why this was happening. I have decided not to shave this entire week since I am either not working or having a relaxed dress code at the office. Additionally, since it was cold outside today, I threw on a zipper-front, hooded sweatshirt. Thus, I had put these two great looks together in one masterpiece look I like to call "The Homeless Pedophile". This look is salesperson (and normal human) repellent. Sure, I could be exaggerating how bad I looked today, but the fact that my wife keeps calling me Chester the Molester is not helping my self confidence.

Once a coach...

I just saw a segment on ESPN about John Wooden. For any of you who don't know him, he was a hugely successful college basketball coach. He is now 99 years old. They were talking about several facets of his life, yet one in particular caught my attention (other than the fact that he hasn't had a drink for 77 years). It was a story about his wife- the only girl he ever kissed. His wife of 53 years passed away 24 years ago. She died on March 21st, 1985. Since that day, on the 21st of every month, he writes his wife a love letter. By my calculation, he has written her nearly 300 letters since she has left this Earth. As if this wasn't enough to make him husband of the century. He declined UCLA's offer to name the court after him unless they included her name...and it had to be listed first. This man is commonly known as the greatest coaching mind of all time. I'd say this story makes it pretty clear that his coaching ability came in a distant second to his ability to love his wife. In a weird way, his story pushes me to love and appreciate my wife even more than I already do - perhaps the old man is still just teaching us younger guys a lesson. Once a coach, always a coach.

Rest easy

It is after midnight, I very likely have to work tomorrow, yet I cannot compel myself to go to bed. I might be the worst person I know at going to bed. I wouldn't say I am the worst sleeper because once I get to sleep, I'm pretty good at it. However, I really suck at that period of time after you put it in cruise control for the night and before you actually fall asleep. For some reason, during this time, my mind decides to start going 100 miles an hour in any and all directions. I've mentioned on here before that I am working on writing a story with a friend of mine. Roughly 50% of all my ideas for that come AFTER I want to go to sleep. Sometimes I am smart enough to scribble these ideas in a notebook, usually they fade before morning. Occasionally, I use that period of time to write on this blog. I keep thinking of all I could accomplish if I could actually channel this erratic mind into a single direction. Additionally, this is all juxtaposed with my wife, who can literally say goodnight, roll over, and be asleep within seconds. There is certainly and enviable peace to that. However, I think it is these little ticks that make us who we are. So, rather than fight it, I'm going to go ahead and embrace it....and keep my notebook much closer at all times.

Turkey Day

As expected, I woke up this morning missing my family severely. It is never easy to be away from them, but it is even worse on holidays. Fortunately, I am very excited about being able to spend time with Meggan and Amelia without work or travel getting in the way. So, rather than go on and on about what I am thankful for, I'll just say a few of the important things - God, my family, and Mexican food. Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Please pass the ham

Well, tonight was quite an experience for me. This was the first time I have ever been in charge of pulling the "stuff" out of the turkey. Let's just say, without running you through my inner monologue, it was not a shining moment for me. First of all, I was completely ill prepared for this endeavor. I had never really seen it done before and I had no idea what I was looking for. Thus, leaving me with one very undesirable option - sticking my arm in there and digging for gold. So, there I was, somewhere between doing my best Grey's Anatomy surgeon impersonation and trying not to lose my watch inside a turkey when I came across my target - a frozen lump of disgust. So, I pulled this mess from the turkey and began to beam in triumph. At that point, Meggan decided to crush my dreams and tell me I had to pull an additional item out of the neck. Seriously, out of the neck?!? So, pulling something from the ass of the turkey is just not enough? I have to go down the hole formerly know as neck. Sweet. Needless to say, I did not enjoy any part of that action either. However, I did get the job done eventually with a final tally of: 2 lumps of pure nasty removed, 0 watches lost, 3 near barfing incidents, and 1 perfectly primed turkey. All in all, not a bad deal. Of course, there is no way in hell that I am going to eat that thing tomorrow.

What did I miss?

It is 10p.m. and I am still sitting in my office with no end in sight to the workday. So, this means I did not get to see Amelia at all today. I'm guessing today is the day she decided to sprout teeth, walk into the kitchen, and make herself a damn quesadilla. I hope I still have some time with her and didn't miss all of those milestones...although, after the first 14 hours of work today, I sure could go for that quesadilla.

9 months? More Like 9 Seconds

Tomorrow, Mia turns 9 months old. When you first have a child, people come from all corners of the world to give you advice. The number one thing you hear is to appreciate the early stages because they fly by. The only issue with this advice is it is one of those things you can't really even comprehend until you have been through it and no longer need the advice. I have made a healthy attempt at mentally filing away all the memories and capturing all the moments. However, even with that, I cannot believe my baby girl has grown so fast. It seems like yesterday that I was driving her home from the hospital at about 30 mph with both hands on the steering wheel not knowing what to expect next. That same little girl can now literally stand to lean over and give me a kiss - a wet, slobbery, uncontrolled kiss, but a kiss. The only other time I have been more reminded of my inability to freeze time, and of the impossibility of stealing a few extra moments, was on my wedding day. Much like with Amelia, I tried to savor every moment from the first time I saw that beautiful girl to the fleeting seconds in which she leaned over to give her new husband a kiss. So, I suppose the only advice I have for anyone having a new baby, or getting married, is to enjoy the moment DURING the moment...and take lots of pictures because it goes by too quickly to soak it all in.

Parents' Night Out

Tonight, we took advantage of the luxury our daycare calls Parents' Night Out. This was a much needed date for us. Because we don't have a built in babysitter in the form of family, we rarely get the opportunity for a night out that doesn't include a diaper bag. So, for our date, I took Meggan to see the new Twilight movie. From the world of tangential thought...here are three things I am secure enough in my masculinity to tell you about tonight(ordered from least blow to my masculinity to borderline completely emasculating) 1) Even though it is primarily for young girls, I actually enjoyed the movie quite a bit. 2) My wife, sitting right next to me on a "date" let out a sigh (along with the rest of the ladies in the theater) when Jacob took off his shirt for the first time 3) I actually argued with my wife over which guy was better looking (I went Edward). Now, back to Parents' Night Out. We had a really great time at the movie. It felt nice to get dressed up, to be out and about in the crisp night air, and most importantly to push the pause button on being parents for a few hours. As nice as the night was, I feel like this may be our first and one of our only nights out. It seems as though Amelia had a different experience. I'll put it this way, when we arrived at daycare after 9:30pm...she was awake. I'm not sure if she was confused because she was at school or embarrassed because she was in her pajamas in public with her hair a mess, but either way, she decided she had no interest in going to sleep. I'm just hoping she can make up for the missed sleep over the night because an Amelia who is not on schedule is not an Amelia anyone wants to be around. Oh well, even if she causes a little trouble, the night was still worth it to me.

Good Bye Lieutenant Dan

Tonight, Mia finally decided she'd had enough of dragging her pitiful, little legs around the house. She moved into the territory of full blown crawling (which for the record, Sophie wanted to point out she had been doing since birth). I was about 99% sure she was never going to crawl. I thought she'd be one of those kids who went straight from flopping around on the floor to walking. I suppose I was wrong. So far, my prediction on the necessity for dentures is still holding true. Perhaps that will be the next milestone to fall?

Blog

Well, I have started to make a minimal effort to change the look of the blog. Unfortunately, a sweet little fact that I uncovered is that I apparently suck at it. I seem to have forgotten every computer class I ever took even though I majored in Information Science. Thus, even simple HTML is out the window for now. So, if any of you know of any free sites where I can download some templates without getting a virus, let me know. Until I either find a site, or get more than 20 minutes free time for blogging, it's going to have to look about as attractive as a dumpster fire.

Who needs sleep?

Last night, I'm pretty sure I heard Meggan reciting this to Amelia on the 3rd time she woke us up:

The Best Medicine

Since Amelia thought it was a good idea to keep us up all night last night, I think it would be very safe to say today was not the best day. Additionally, it would be fair to guess that I did not come home in the greatest mood. I'm pretty sure Mia sensed this and decided to cheer me up by showing me how well she could crawl. So, as I watched her do her best Lieutenant Dan impersonation and drag her little legs across the floor to get to me, all the tiredness and stench of my bad mood went away. Every time something like this happens, it blows me away to see how easily she can put it all back into perspective for me. I hope it takes her as long as possible before she figures this out or I am in real trouble. I'm probably already too late.

And down we go

Mia currently resides in the worst case scenario of being great at pulling up on things, but really crappy at standing up. For instance, last night, she was able to pull herself to a standing position from being seated on her changing table using just the wall. However, once up, she was only slightly able to stand by leaning against the wall, hands and legs spread, as if I were a cop searching her for drugs. So, it came as no surprise when I received news today that she had her first accident at school. Apparently, she pulled up on a toy box and then took the opportunity to faceplant into it giving her a little bruise under her eye. Thus, here it is...her first boo boo (other than the fiasco that I refer to as my-stupid-dad-dropped-me-on-my-coconut-and-had-to-rush-me-to-the-emergency-room-gate)

Veterans Day

I'd like to wish a Happy Veterans Day to all the current, former, and future soldiers. Today, I'd especially like to thank my two nephews, one of which is currently in the Army and will shortly be deployed to Iraq and the other who will very soon be off to join the Navy. Both of these young men joined the Armed Forces during a time of war. Their bravery, and the bravery of those like them, will allow them to defend our great country - a task that is likely more important than anything I will do in my life. And, for that, I am grateful.

The Dichotomy of You

You are the highlight of my day
Yet, you are the reason I am so tired at night
You can change my entire perspective with a smile
Yet, you can break me with your tears
You are the reason I work so hard
Yet, your absence makes me hate being at work
You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Yet, it wasn't easy to strip that title from your mother
You give me hope for the future
Yet, you provide a glimpse into my past
You are who I live to protect
Yet, you are to whom I have to teach life's hard lessons
You make me want to be a better man
Yet, you remind me of how great it is to be a kid
You can't quite yet control your own body
Yet, you can make me do anything you want
You remind me of all that is good in this world
Yet, you cause me to worry about all that is bad
You have shown me how strong the love of a father can be
Yet, you have brought me an even greater appreciation for my mother
You belong to me, Mia
Yet, my heart belongs to you

I guess it's a matter of perspective

Today, at church, we started a lesson on the end of times. Regardless of my thoughts on my own salvation, this talk always frightens me. So, how did Amelia react during this very serious, most fundamental discussion on Christianity? She laughed her head off. She very rarely laughs out loud, so I don't know what tickled her fancy today. I'm not sure if it was a sign from God, but I think I'm going to take it that way.

Let's try again

Well, here is a 2nd try at posting a song we played at my wedding. The other one got yanked from Youtube due to copyright laws. I'm sure this was brought on by it being posted on this immensely popular blog...or not.

1,2,3

Tonight is our 3 year wedding anniversary. Rather than gross out all of the blog readers by going on and on about my wife, I'll just say that I thank God every single day for blessing me with such a wonderful woman. She is my best friend and I could never have asked for more. And with that, I leave you with my favorite song from our wedding day....

Precious little time

Tonight was seemingly my millionth daddy and Mia night while Meggan worked. I'm pretty sure she works more nights than most bartenders. It was a fairly normal night. Amelia was incredibly excited to see me at daycare and equally incredibly unhappy about the menu for dinner. There was an incident tonight, though, that brought an important mindset to light for me. Amelia was in one of her moods where she just really couldn't stop being fussy. I had tried everything I could to entertain her and turn things around. None of the usual tactics were working - her new musical table was boring to her, she had no interest in Dora/wonder pets/anything on TV, and even Sophie's continual peskiness did not do the trick. After multiple outbursts of crying and my escalating frustration, a stark realization occurred...I only get about 3 waking hours per day with Amelia during the week. One of those hours is spent getting ready for work. Another is spent eating dinner, getting a bath, and getting ready for bed. Roughly 20 minutes of the remaining hour is spent on the ride home from daycare. That leaves approximately 40 unencumbered minutes per day. I have 40 minutes. That's less than one episode of a television drama. Why the hell am I getting flustered during the precious little time I get to hold my baby girl?!? The moments where my daughter reaches out to me to be held are fleeting. With that in mind, I scooped her up tightly in my arms and for the next half hour got every bit of baby sugar I could. I've never been shy about telling everyone how much I love Amelia. It's been glaringly evident to anyone who sees us together. However, for me, sometimes it does take moments like tonight to remind me to actually stop what I am doing and actively love her with all my heart; to place a premium on every second I get to spend with her. As tomorrow comes and the hassles of work and the pace of life begin to pick up again, I hope I am able to reflect back on tonight to remind me that a fussy baby, a crying baby, even a screaming baby is still by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I am so lucky to have these times with her.

Trick or Treat

Yesterday was Amelia's first Halloween. We didn't do any trick or treating, but that doesn't mean we didn't party. Amelia had one of her friends over to celebrate the occasion...

Baby Dentures?

Amelia is now over 8 months old - the oldest kid in her class - and the ONLY kid without teeth. I didn't think anything of it when I just thought she was a little late. But, the ONLY kid?!?! I don't want her to be the last kid unless it's the last girl to get a boyfriend, the last to ask her dad where babies come from, or maybe the last kid to get their driver's license. So, Amelia has roughly a month to get some teeth or else I am going to start contacting dentists to get some tiny dentures made. That's pretty normal, right?

No Moms Allowed

Tonight was another Mia and Daddy night as Meggan had to work. She basically has to work two nights a week for most of the fall. So, these nights are not exactly few and far between. Normally, Amelia finds at least one or two things on each of these nights to become extremely fussy about. However, tonight was a really good night. I had a feeling I was in for a treat when she started bouncing up and down smiling the minute I walked into daycare. This reaction, which I have seen on a few occasions, is easily one of the highlights of my life. She decided the whole ride home would be a good time to talk. I tried to catch up on how her day went. She mostly kept saying mamamamama. Once we got home, we got to play with our third partner in crime, Sophie. Sophie doesn't really allow for the option to NOT play with her, so you might as well embrace it and invite her have fun with you. After working up a healthy appetite practicing standing, we feasted on turkey and vegetables. I can't actually verify that it was turkey OR vegetables, but that's what the jars said. Next came the only slight mishap of the night. I was making myself a sandwich when I heard an all too familiar sound...a baby grunting as if she was trying to give birth. I looked over to see this poor little girl with a face as red as a candy apple. I was not looking forward to what occurred next. A sound came from her diaper that sounded like I put a Christmas ham down the garbage disposal. I don't know what the hell happened in that diaper, but I kid you not....Mia started speaking in tongues. So, after I tended to that little dumpster fire, we were back on track. It was decided that we should get back to the play mat for a serious crawling practice session. We all played so hard that the she was falling asleep before bath time...and I'm just referring to Sophie. We left Sophie rest up (which she clearly has done because she is absolutely doing work on a rawhide bone right now) while we went upstairs for a bath. All bath time routines went without a hitch. I was able to fend off all of Amelia's efforts to turn on the shower while the bath water was running. Eventually, I'm going to let her learn that lesson the hard way. But, tonight I was ill prepared to answer to mom when she got home and found out. After our bath, we slipped on some pajamas and had a tasty bottle. Amelia loves to snuggle up to your neck as she falls asleep. Seriously, for those of you who don't have children, rent one, borrow one, steal one, whatever. But, you have not felt a more therapeutic feeling than a warm baby snuggling up to the crook of your neck. A few seconds later, she was fast asleep. To no surprise, Amelia, Sophie, and I had survived another night with no adult supervision.

What's in a name?

Mia is 8 months old and over that time, she's probably been called by her real name, Amelia, seemingly 3 times. I started thinking about all the different nicknames I have heard her called over that span and it is growing increasingly long, and increasingly inexplicable. Here is the list from the top of my head....and no, these are not approved nicknames, nor are most of them to be perpetuated.

Amelia
Mia
Mookie
Milly
Mimi
Miss Fussypants
Monkey Joe
Mookiepants
Pickle
Mook Mook
Baby
Tootie
Pookie
Mookie Pantalones
Monchichi
Kermit
Babygirl
Poopidoo

So, to summarize, her name is Amelia. I view Mia as the only acceptable nickname. Clearly, nobody gives a damn about what I find acceptable.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Amelia and her grandpa were either really bored with taking pictures or they were just trying to do their best American Gothic impersonation...

Attack of the mushrooms

Our yard has recently been taken over by mushrooms. I'm not sure what brought this on as they didn't spring up last fall. However, tonight I went out and began pulling them out of the ground. This was definitely one of those situations in which you continue to pull them up for 10 minutes, look around, and swear there are more than when you started. So, you pull for 15 more minutes and you check again...even more. By the time I was done, I had pulled TEN POUNDS (I weighed them) of mushrooms from my yard. That is a lot of mushrooms considering they don't weigh much individually. So, somehow, in the week since I last cut my grass, I have grown enough mushrooms to fill up nearly half of a garbage bag. I don't really grow grass well. All of our plants seem to meet their maker. However, mushrooms, those must be my thing. If they come back, I'm going to have to find out what is causing them and what I can do to stop it. Either that, or I'm just going to grow more to at least make it look purposeful.

The Great Pumpkin

We took Mia to the pumpkin patch today in preparation for her first Halloween. Overall, we had a pretty good time. However, to my surprise, she was not as thrilled about the pumpkins as I thought she would be...

Once Bitten

Well, it finally happened. I've known this day would come from the day we found out Meggan was pregnant. It really shouldn't surprise anyone given their animosity on this blog. Tonight, while Meggan was at work and I was watching Amelia and Sophie, we had our first biting incident. Amelia was sitting on the floor playing with her toys while Sophie kept bringing her a dog toy to play with. Regardless of how many times I removed the dog toy, Sophie kept bringing it back. Each time, Amelia would do her best to grab it and I would intercept it. If you have ever been around Sophie, you would know she does this tirelessly attempting to get you to play tug with her. Obviously, she doesn't realize Amelia isn't strong enough for that game even if she were to get the toy. So, on this fateful attempt, I was sitting about two feet from them when the bite occurred. Sophie brought her toy, Jack, over to Amelia. This time, Amelia got a really good bear hug grip on it. Just as I was reaching to remove this toy before Amelia could get "doggie germs", Sophie went in for her toy. This all happened in slow motion for me - inching closer...crazy look in eyes...closer...mouth starting to open wide...closer....bite on the neck. Poor girl, I don't think she ever saw it coming. She couldn't have. It all happened too fast and she didn't even make an attempt to get out of the way. She didn't even move during the bite, she just sat there in stunned shock. As soon as I was able to separate them, I picked Amelia up and told her she would be in big trouble if she ever bit Sophie again. Sophie ran under the couch, no doubt more a function of the hair pulling rather than the wet, toothless gumming she just received. I know her pain well, as it is Amelia's new thing when I lay down next to her to yank my ear, lean over, and bite it. Most people have to worry about their pets and their children. However, we actually have to protect Sophie from our bully. Considering I'm not even sure Sophie knows how to bite, her only defense would be to bark Amelia to death...a feat she has tried many times.

All dressed up with nowhere to go

We are only a bit over two weeks away from Mia's first Halloween. Meggan and I have been giving serious consideration to the various costume options out there. However, so far we have come up empty. We have seen precious costumes, funny costumes, intricate costumes, simple costumes, etc. Yet, throughout this dutiful search, we still have not found the costume that screams "THIS is what Amelia needs to be for her first Halloween". Considering we aren't taking an 8-month old trick-or-treating, and as of now, we don't have anyone bored enough to come over to our house and hang with us, I'm not really sure why it feels so important to have her in a good costume. I'm fairly certain she won't care. I'm guessing she will stay in it roughly as long as Sophie has always stayed in her costumes - 5 minutes. However, I just think we should set a good precedent in terms of how we are going to bring it on Halloweens in the future. So, hopefully, we will get our creative juices flowing or stumble upon a prefabricated pile of creative genius at a costume shop. If not, we'll just dress her in something cute and cheap and I'll Google a picture of some awesome costume, superimpose her head on it, and post it on here for all of you to believe in.

R.I.P. Achy Breaky Mullet

Friday, we said goodbye to an old friend. Achy Breaky Mullet, as named for country star Billy Ray Cyrus, met its final resting place when Mia got her first haircut. I'm going to miss seeing that beautiful little mullet flowing in the breeze. Luckily, even post haircut, Amelia still has some of the craziest hair I've seen on a baby.

Achy Breaky Mullet
(Feb. 23rd, 2009 - Oct. 9th, 2009)

Holiday Weekend....sick AGAIN

Well, as noted in earlier blog posts, Amelia has the uncanny ability to completely blow up any weekend by getting sick. As a matter of fact, it is almost more surprising when she doesn't get sick on the weekend. This being a holiday weekend, I'm pretty sure she decided she really needed to bring the heat. So, she started off with a little projectile barf shower for her mom on Friday night, kindly decided not to mess up football Saturday, and then picked it back up again this morning. However, this time, she was sweet enough to pass it along to her mother. So, as I sit here blogging, they are quarantined in separate areas of the house as to keep me and Sophie safe. Time will tell if this strategy works or not. Lord, I hope so.

We have liftoff

Mia finally crossed the threshold into the world of crawlers. Technically, she crossed into the world of draggers, but I'm counting it just the same. Last night, she struggled and strained, keeping her eyes on the prize (in this case, her favorite toy) until she slowly began to army-crawl across her play mat. Was it the most graceful thing I've seen? No. Did her legs drag behind her like limp linguine? Yes. Did she get from point A to point B in a forward motion? You're damn right she did. I'm guessing this will be just like everything else she has done - she can't do it at all until one day when she struggles through it. Then, from that point on, she repeats it like she's been doing since she was in the womb. If this holds true, I will hopefully be on here shortly bragging about how fast she moves around the house. Until then, I'll be trying to safety-proof the house for our newly found mobility.

Procrastination is good

Well, it is basically 9 p.m. and I am the only one awake in the house. I'm very glad everyone is getting the rest they need, but damn. And since I have nobody to speak to here...I'll just post whatever comes to mind on the blog -

-I hate working on my resume much worse than I hate working at my job.

-Modern Family is the funniest new show on television

-Every blog post I see online discussing the "really awesome" album that just came out is talking about a band that I have never heard of in my life.

-The Asian guy that has been in 90% of recent comedies (The Hangover, Knocked Up, Role Models, etc) was an actual doctor who attended Duke and UNC...and now he runs around naked in funny movies. There is something really unfortunate, and yet extremely awesome about that.

-I can't believe the vet thinks Sophie needs to be put on puppy Prozac

-I'm living in a college football paradox - I need Saturday to hurry up and get here because I can't wait for the Gator game. I need Saturday to take its time because Tim Tebow needs to heal from his concussion.

-Amelia decided to fill her diaper, spit up on me, and fill her diaper again during the 20 minutes it took me to put her in her carrier, take her to day care, and leave from there to go to work. What a lovely way to start my day.

-Looking at my wife sleep here on the couch next to me, I am a lucky man.

-Blogging is not helping me finish my resume.

She's a maniac...maniac... at the store...

First of all, let me just say hello bloggers, it's me...Meggan. I complain that I never have time to blog, but Friday night's trip to the store was full of material too good to keep to myself, so here goes.

Miss Amelia and I went to the grocery store on Friday night to do a bit of shopping. We were getting dangerously close to bedtime which produces a baby that is deliriously happy...keyword "delirious." This delirium could easily turn from adorable to maniacal in a tick of the second hand.

So, our trip began with a stroll through the produce and then to the deli counter. While waiting for our honey ham, Crazypants grabbed the shopping list from my hand and, of course, put it in her mouth. To avoid a fit, I planned to let her hold it for a second while I found another object to distract her while I took it back from her. When I took it back, well, see the picture below. She ate it! So, she's chomping away at a piece of paper while I try to pry open her mouth to retrieve it. I can't remember how to get an object out of an infant's throat, and now my struggle is attracting the attention of other deli patrons. Great. Finally, I pry open her jaws and scoop out the list. Moving on.

We begin a minor meltdown in the bread aisle. Good thing it was our last stop before the register. Despite my warning to keep hands and feet and body inside the cart while moving, the whole trip she was happy lurching from side to side in the front of the cart while I shopped. Good thing her cart cover has a safety seatbelt to keep her in.

We check out. She goes nuts. While I'm paying, she swipes a whole stack of gift cards from in front of the register. When I take those and put them back, she sees the long receipt that is running out of the register. She grabs it and pulls with all of her might while I was trying to pry her hand open. She wins. So, we took our receipt in parts.

So, I get home and unload our bags while the little girl slept in her bed. Refer back to the picture and you will see what I found. A bag of linguine. You can't see the little sticker on the package, but it reads $3.49. $3.49 pasta! Isn't that some sort of oxymoron?! I do not know where this pasta came from as I would not have bought that, and I didn't even buy pasta at all. Randall refuses to believe me that Amelia put it in the buggy. I am convinced she did. I mean all you have to do is look at Randall's post below to see what kind of crazy look she gets in her eye when she's sleepy. She's capable of anything!

From Innocent Ramblings of a So-Called Writer:

You never know when a Good Hair Moment will arrive.

It is 11:15 p.m. on a Wednesday. My hair looks amazing. Someone other than my husband and my cats needed to see it. God bless the internet and built in laptop cameras, otherwise, this perfect hair moment would have passed me by.

Your locks are lovely in that picture, Aunt Jenn... and I clearly know a thing or two about great hair days!

- Mia

Worth 1000 words

From the inside

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: RUN!!

Baby,
I hope I was able to get this message to you in time. If they haven't gotten you yet, you should run. Mom brought me somewhere and I don't know what they've done with her, but they've got me locked up with several other dogs. I fear for her life as she has not yet come to save me. This appears to be some sort of torture prison. Since they've had me, I've seen them completely violate my cell mate while waterboarding two others. Baby, I know this will be hard for you, but it is very important, DO NOT COME FOR ME. It's too late for me, save yourself.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
It's worse than you can imagine! They came here and made me watch while they tortured dad. Then, the animals ate all of your bones and dog food and pulled your toys apart limb from limb. Afterwards, I heard them discussing all the things they were going to do to you. I begged them for their mercy, but they said you had eaten one of my pacifiers for the last time. If only you hadn't done that, dad would be alive, mom would be alive, you'd still have your toys and food, and we'd still be a family. I don't know how long I can fight the urge to come save you.

Mia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
I'm sorry I did this. If I somehow survive the waterboarding and prison violation, I'll be a changed dog. Baby, I've never told you this, but ...I love you.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
It's okay. I forgive you. I've been working tirelessly to negotiate your release. I'm going to need you to commit to the following terms in writing and your captors will let you go. 1) You must promise to never eat ANY of my belongings again. 2) You must promise to openly admit that babies are far superior to dogs in every way (I know this seems weird, but if I were you, I'd just do whatever they ask. Who are we to judge?). 3) You must promise to never mess with me regardless of anything I do to you (Once again, I'm not sure of their motives, but we don't have a choice at this point). Let me know if you agree and I'll pass it along to them.

Mia

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
Thanks! I'll agree to anything to get out of this Hell.
Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
Wonderful, now that I have it all in writing, I have to tell you something...first of all, you haven't been captured - nobody would want you, Dumbass. Secondly, nobody is dead. They didn't kill mom, she paid them to keep you. Also, about busting you out of there, yeeeeeahh, that's not going to happen. We are actually on vacation and the reason you are there is because we didn't want to bring you. Furthermore, that isn't "prison violation", those are fecal exams from the Vet...and yes, you are getting one. Your cell mates aren't getting waterboarded, they are getting baths. I can only pray that you get one of those. So, in summary, you have been left behind, unwanted, and you have unwittingly agreed to never bother me or my things again. Well done. You should be proud. Oh yeah, I've never told you this but....Sophie, I love y... I couldn't even type that with a straight face.


Mia
------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Baby,
You are dead to me. I am going to eat every bottle, every pacifier, and every toy you have. If you look at me the wrong way, I may even eat you.

Sophie

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mia@babies_R_me.com
To: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Sophie,
Don't be so sensitive. I was only messing with you. You know you are my best friend...a dirty, ugly, smelly friend, but still a friend. I hope you enjoy your stay in the pokey. Hopefully, they won't be too rough on you. Now rest up, I hear that fecal exam can take a lot out of you ;)

Mia
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: top_dog@licksandstoagies.com
To: Mia@babies_R_me.com

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:RUN!!

Dead.....to.....me....

Sent from my Barkberry Wireless Device

On Vacation

Amelia has taken us on vacation to see her grandparents. We have not forgotten about the blog. We have just been too busy showing off the little girl to go online and post. We will be back tomorrow night featuring some letters from prison by Sophie. Also, Meggan has released the pictures I referenced a few weeks ago. So, I will post some of those as well.

Is it you?

I watched 'The Soloist' last night and I've been thinking about it ever since. It wasn't that it was the best movie I've ever seen. It was very good, and Jamie Foxx had an incredible performance, but what really struck me was the brilliance of Nathaniel Ayers. I am truly intrigued by actual genius. Along my path through college and during my days in the working world, I have come across a few very smart people. I have met talented musicians, writers, and photographers. I know people who are hilarious and creative beyond control. However, I hope at some point in my life, I am fortunate enough to meet someone with incomparable genius. I'm not speaking of people who skipped a few grades or squeaked into MENSA. I'm not talking about the sharpest person in your office. I'm talking about the sharpest person in your generation. I'm referring to the artist, the author, the doctor that the best and brightest in their fields look to in amazement. By definition, these people are far and few between. Thus, it is highly unlikely that I will ever actually encounter true brilliance. For now, I'll have to sit around and wait to find out if Amelia will be one of these people...considering she blogs at 6 months, she's got a head start.

Pee Wee Herman?

Did I see that right on the Jay Leno show? Is Pee Wee Herman making a comeback?!? If this is true, I will officially believe that 1)Anything is possible and 2)We are nearing the end of times.

Who's next?

So, today I was in line at one of my favorite stops for lunch and I happened into a situation in which I'm not sure if there is an etiquette rule, but there should be. There I was, so hungry I had already begun counting down how many seconds I had left until my stomach literally ate the rest of me. Then, out from the restrooms, a woman started to head my way. She was unremarkable - the standard skirt suit, work badge,and high heels that grow on trees around where I work. She continued to walk closer when I realized she was taking an incorrect path to get BEHIND me. Surely, she was not going to get in line in front of me?!? At that point, my stomach would likely be forced to eat her. So, I made direct eye contact and edged slightly forward. Her response to this? "I'm sorry, I have to be rude and cut in line to join my friend." You what?!? First of all, I hate it when people say "I'm sorry..." and then continue on with doing the exact voluntary action they were reportedly sorry for. Secondly, announcing that you are about to be rude does not indeed make the act any less rude. It is sort of like when someone says "don't take this the wrong way, but..." "Don't take this the wrong way, but have you thought about using Rogaine?" I'm not even sure I could take that the wrong way. Unless you are an actual door to door Rogaine salesman, there is only one way to take that. Sorry, back to my point. The way I see it, this woman had 3 options - to cut me in line, to be temporarily separated from her lunch buddy, or for her lunch buddy to get out of line and join her behind me. It seems like there should be some sort of rule about this. Today, it was just me getting cut. But, what if there were 5 people behind me? Is it cool to cut all of them? I guess what confuses me is why going to the bathroom is not grounds for losing your spot in line? It's not like I can walk halfway to the front of the line and say "Hey, I stopped by the bathroom before I left my office, had I not lost that precious time, I'd be right about here in line. So, I'm going to go ahead and jump in." Although, if I see this lady in line again, I'm definitely going to try it.

The roles are defined

One thing is becoming very apparent in our first stab at parenthood - Meggan has her role and I have mine. Meggan is the nurturer, the loving mother, the safe harbor when Mia doesn't feel well. I, however, am only the court jester. There is no doubt Amelia loves me. She cracks up at the mere sight of me - probably not the first time a girl has done that, but the first time I'm not offended by it. She trusts me as a dad and is very well behaved for me during times when she normally gives Meggan trouble. That said, when times get really tough for her, when she can't sleep, when she wakes up crying, when she doesn't feel well, she wants nothing to do with me. Tonight, we had a perfect example to hammer home these truths. Mia and I had a great time tonight. I played with her in her "jump up and down" chair and she was laughing and having a blast. We put her to bed a little while later. Since she has a slight cold, she had a hard time sleeping and woke up crying. I trudged upstairs to calm her down and get her back to sleep. In my most loving, fatherly way, I scooped her up and held her to my chest, rubbing her back and kissing her on the forehead. Her response - well, she can't speak, but I'm pretty sure it was the baby equivalent of an F bomb. Meggan, hearing this, came upstairs to lend a hand. She took the baby and held her EXACTLY the way I was...and Amelia fell silent. Look, I don't mind being mildly amusing from time to time, but what the hell?!? Apparently, I'm good enough to feed her, clean her, change her, entertain her, but when it comes to comforting her, I need not apply. I think what I have to do is pretty clear. As she gets older and understands what I am saying to her, I'm going to have to make up all kinds of stories about her mother so that she will come to me to comfort instead. I know it seems dirty and low to tell your child that her mother has a contagious baby-flesh eating disease or that she tried to trade her for the complete Sex and The City series on DVD, but I don't see any other options. I simply cannot settle for being the clown dressed in the dad suit.

Soft in my old age?

A strange thing happened today. The Gators played the Volunteers and I watched with my new football viewing buddy, Amelia. I had on my lucky Gator socks, she her Gator bib. During the game, there were some up and down moments for my Gators. This is where the strangeness occurred. The mistakes, the bad plays, etc. didn't bother me. In the past, I have had a tendency to act basically like a drunken monkey when the Gators have issues. It seems as though having a beautiful baby girl to remind me of what's important in life has matured me as a football fan. Would I say there was no complaining, cursing, or acting out? uhhh, no. I said I was better, not that I was a robot. I'm not 100% sure I like this new, refined me. I'm going to have to test drive it a little more throughout the season. If it gets too bad, I may have to send Mia shopping with Meggan or something so that I can regain my rabid fan state of mind.

It must be the weekend

Well, it must be the weekend. How do I know? Is it because I don't have work tomorrow? No. That could be due to a holiday. Is it because there is college football on tomorrow? No. That happens on Thursdays as well. I know... It's because there is a Lotto drawing tomorrow night? Nope. Wednesday could be the jackpot night. I know it is weekend because Amelia is getting sick. She is healthy as a horse Monday - Thursday. As the weekend approaches, some various illness sets in. This week, it is starting off with a runny nose and trouble sleeping. I'm guessing a cough or sore throat will show up just in time for her to try to sleep tomorrow night. By Sunday, she should be really foul. Oddly, she will likely be fine again Monday when she goes to her favorite place on Earth - daycare. Then, next Friday, it will be her turn again. The mystery is not whether or not she'll be sick, it is which illness will she have? an ear infection? tummy trouble? leprosy? Only time will tell.

Important News

All parents should be forced to read this article (and apply it to dogs as well).

Sincerely,

Sophie and Amelia

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/09/16/spanking.children.parenting/index.html

Translator

Throughout Mia's first six months, I haven't gotten too many opportunities to bestow my fatherly wisdom upon her. So, I thought in the interest of saving time, I'd make her this handy cheat sheet she can use in the future to translate what her parents say into what her parents actually mean

In no particular order -

Don't make me pull this car over - I am tired of driving and even more tired of you asking if we are there yet, unbuckling your seat belt, or telling me how hungry you are. No, we aren't there. That's why we are still driving. When we get there, I assure you my intention is to stop the car, not drive right past it. Why do you have to keep your seat belt on? Because if you don't stop unbuckling it, I'm going to hit the brakes and launch you into the passenger seat.

This hurts me more than it hurts you - You are about to get punished and truth be told, it's likely going to hurt you much worse. I am only telling you this so that you know I do have a soul and I'm not deriving pleasure out of it.

Do as I say and not as I do - This is a common response to "How come you get to [insert really awesome thing]? Not Fair!". Adults can use this as an excuse to do things they tell you not to do. This is justified by the fact that they are adults and make their own decisions. Sure, there is a large dose of hypocrisy in this...But, that hypocrisy tastes great covered in chocolate ice cream and eaten while watching an R rated movie after bedtime.

If so and so jumped off a bridge... - Just because your dumbass friend does something doesn't mean you have to. Think for yourself. I will punish you more for following your friends into trouble than leading them into it. At least I respect a leader.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I know I haven't actually told you a thousand times. But, I damn sure have told you more than once. And it would behoove you to....

Don't make me tell you again - I'm very likely not going to tell you again verbally. If you ignore this warning, I will be telling you with fists of fury...okay, maybe not that severe, but you will get a stern lecture

Good for them, they aren't my child - Congratulations to your friends for having cool enough parents to let them go to Cancun for an unsupervised Senior Trip. I'm sure they are going to have a great time. Unfortunately for you, I'm the master of your universe and you're not going to be making the trip. I'm not caving just because other parents are. That would make me a follower and I've already addressed my opinion on that.

If you live under my roof, you live by my rules - Until you can afford to pay your own way to live on your own...you...are...screwed. Actually, my rules aren't that bad. It's my expectations you have to worry about.

When I was your age... - Disregard anything any adult says after this statement. It is almost certainly an exaggerated, skewed confusion of memories and fantasies.

Ask your father/mother - This means I know the answer is no, but either I don't want to be the one to disappoint you or I am trying to buy time to come up with a good excuse for why the answer is no. Either way, prepare yourself for a steaming pile of no.

Amelia Margaret! - To quote one of your favorite shows, the Wonder Pets, 'This is sewious". In other words, you seriously should have responded prior to me having to pull out the full name.

Because I said so - This means I have no actual reasons or facts supporting my claim or assertion that you need to do something. For the record, you should just go along with whatever I said because by this point, I'm going to make you do it out or principle.

Do you want me to give you something to cry about? - I'll never say this one because I don't believe in it. Clearly, you already feel you have something to cry about. It might not be something important or something I feel is worthy, but you must think it qualifies. However, if the situation merits this response, rather than say it, I am just going to ignore your cries...so, please stop. Those aren't even real tears.

Life's not fair - Almost inevitably said in response to "That's not fair!". This one is true. Life is not fair. That said, what I'm really saying is there are children with cancer, people who don't have enough food to eat, families torn apart by war, etc...please stop complaining that I made you turn off your television show because the Gator game is on.

Do you think money grows on trees? - I'd rather not work long hours all week just to have you conjure up 20 things we need to buy or else the world will end. This is also a sure sign that you need a part time job ASAP so that you can learn that not only does it not grow on trees, but if it did, Uncle Sam would have already plundered all the low hanging leaves.

Wait until your father comes home - Your mother either doesn't have time to or doesn't want to deal with whatever it is you have done. Additionally, she knows that the pure torture of waiting on an undefined punishment from a father you have to wait around all day to disappoint is likely much worse than anything I am going to do when I get home.

Thanks

This time last year, I had literally not read any blogs and had never considered writing a blog. It wasn't that I didn't like to write, it was just that I assumed basically nobody would ever want to read it. However, when Meggan suggested we start a blog to chronicle Amelia's birth and subsequent growth, I figured I would give it a try. Well, we are about 100 posts into this thing and it seems to be going well. We, and I use that term very loosely considering Meggan has less blog entries than Amelia and Sophie do, have not kept entirely focused on Amelia, but she does get the majority of the blog. Throughout the 100 posts I have some that I am proud of, some that could have been better, and others that are so boring they never should have been written. I have also started reading several blogs since we created this one. I find it almost voyeuristically fascinating to peek in on the thoughts of others. After looking at these other blogs, I am pleasantly surprised by the number of people who actually keep reading this blog. It seems I am one of the few people who just simply write blog posts. Almost every other blog I see has links to other blogs, re-posts from blogs, and links to web videos. I'm guessing going forward, I should start to include items like this just to help keep interest and spruce it up a bit. In the meantime, I wanted to thank everyone for taking a little time out of their day to read my ramblings and to particulary thank those of you who provide me feedback on a regular basis. It certainly has provided an enjoyable hobby for me.

Pictures!

We finally got Amelia's 6 month pictures done. They are beautiful. I could not be more proud of that little girl. She sat up by herself like a big girl. She smiled. She laughed. She ate a duck. Unfortunately, the pictures are being held hostage by Meggan right now, so you'll just have to take my word for it until she releases them. We are in hostage negotions now. It shouldn't be more than a day or two.

In good hands

Tonight was just a daddy and daughter night. Meggan had to work until well past bedtime. These nights are becoming more and more fun the older Mia gets. I knew it was going to be a good night from the moment I picked her up from daycare. When she saw me walk into the room, she began jumping up and down in her exersaucer and laughing. On my worst day, that would be enough to turn it all around. I loaded her in the car and we headed home. This actually proved to provide for a bit of a hiccup as a rather foul smell reached up from the back seat and practically tapped me on the shoulder. I graciously thanked Amelia for saving that for me rather than dropping it like it was hot ten minutes earlier while she was still at school. After we got home and changed out of our "stinky pants" we were ready to play. Playing previously consisted of laying her on her mat and watching her try to eat every toy you handed her. Now, she is MUCH more advanced. She can sit up and/or roll around and find her own toys to eat. It may sound like a subtle difference, but believe me, it is way more fun to watch. After working up a nice little appetite, I busted out the butternut squash and green beans. Now, I'm sure most of you wouldn't consider this to be a gourmet meal. However, upon the mere sight of it, Mia started pumping her arms, kicking her legs, and making a "whooo whooo whooo" noise. Once we powered up with our veggies, it was playtime again. This time, we played a game called Dad-blows-on-my-belly-while-I-crack-up-and-pull-out-the-three-hairs-he-has-left-on-his-head. All this playing made for a tired, and increasingly cranky little girl. Mia got a quick bath minus all the stuff that mom does to make her cry - shampoo, nose cleaning, etc. We took a few minutes for our obligatory time to stare at ourselves in the mirror and surprise of all surprises, we found it just as hilarious today as it has been everyday for the last few months. A delicious bottle later, and she was out like a light. We had survived another night without mom. It has taken months of practice, but I am really starting to get the hang of this whole dad thing. Now, I make no promises in terms of nutrition, medicine, sleep schedules, etc. But, I do promise that Amelia and I have a great time together and that's what counts the most.

Gator Football Eve

We are on the eve of one of the most anticipated days of the year for me - the first game for the Florida Gators. This day is always a big deal for me as Gator football ranks at the top of my list of things I enjoy the most in this world. The only thing I can think of to rival it would be maybe if they created edible money wrapped in bacon. The Gators are the heavy favorites going into the season and this has the entire Gator Nation buzzing. Obviously, I'm excited about the possibility of another championship. However, history is littered with teams that fell short of winning the title despite being the popular choice to do so. So, for me, my preseason joy is not rooted in any title talk, Tebow talk, etc. No, I am looking forward to football for a whole other reason...tomorrow is the first game that I will get to watch with Amelia. Now, I'm pretty sure she isn't going to know everything that is going on, but I'm hoping subconsciously this is the beginning of two things - her love of sports and me secretly brainwashing her into being a Gator fan. Why do I want her to love sports? Primarily, because I feel all of life's important lessons can be learned through sports. I want her to learn how to be healthy, how to compete, and how to be a teammate. If she can get these things down, I know she'll be fine in this life. Why do I want to brainwash her into being a Gator fan? Well, I think this is pretty obvious...I would LOVE for her to one day follow her dad and mom and become a UF graduate. I'm thankful for everything UF did for me. It was the source of my career, it is where I met my best friends, and it was the home of the best years of my life. It is only natural that I would want Amelia to follow that path. There is one caveat - if Harvard or Yale come knocking, we'd need to weigh our options (I may be a completely loyal, blinded by allegiance fan, but I'm not stupid). So, while the rest of the Florida fans watch the game tomorrow hoping Florida looks unbeatable, I will be at home with my daughter getting her started on a lifelong journey of fanhood.

What's it worth to you?

So, my mom is constantly getting on me about being cheap. She thinks it is ridiculous that I am thrown by the cost of Mia's formula. Further, she finds it borderline embarrassing that I would mention that it is $9/day on a blog. Thus, she should really love this post.

What can you do with $9/day over the course of a year?

You can...

- lease a brand new Nissan Rogue
- buy a new Coach purse...every month
- sponsor 9 children a month at feedthechildren.org
- stay at the Ritz-Carlton in Miami....18 times
- eat at Ruth's Chris two times each month
- buy 20 pairs of '7' jeans per year
- donate 27 goats to impoverished families at heifer.org
- buy 3,200 jars of baby food
- take a different helicopter tour of Hawaii every month
- buy over 3 ounces of gold
- buy 820 Happy Meals
- buy a 42 inch flat panel television...and 2 laptops
- save 30 acres of rain forest at worldlandtrust.org
- go to the movies 365 times
- subscribe to Netflix, XM radio, the Flower of the Month Club, Bag, Borrow, or Steal, and the Beer of the Month Club...every month....for you and a friend
- buy diamond earrings set in platinum from Tiffany
- buy 50 Tim Tebow jerseys
- purchase 300 mosquito nets for children in Africa
- go to 2 Broadway shows every month
- eat 3,200 tacos
- rock 4 pairs of Christian Louboutin pumps
- drown your dog in 1,500lbs of dog food
- fly to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back...and back to Hawaii...and back
- The complete series dvds for Friends, The West Wing, 2 and a Half Men, Frasier, Charmed, Entourage, King of Queens, Will and Grace, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, The Wire, Everybody Loves Raymond, Full House, Macgyver, and Dawson's Creek combined.

Well, I could probably go on all night, but I think this underscores the reason why it stings for a cheap, cheap man like myself to spend that kind of money because Amelia doesn't like the taste of powdered formula. But, hey, nodoby said being a dad was cheap.


______
Just as a clarifying point - I love my daughter more than life itself. For her to be healthy, I will gladly continue to pay whatever it costs. If it comes to it, I will happily work two jobs, I will forgo food for myself, and as a last resort, I'll beat up local kids for their lunch money.

How to get a dog to eat your baby spittle

Amelia's 6 step plan for sucess

1) Have your parents get a really stupid dog. This should be fairly easy as I haven't seen a dog yet that doesn't fall for the fake toy throw.

2) Convince the dog that they are smarter than everyone else in the house. This will serve as the catalyst for them to devise their plan to "steal" your bottle. This one is actually tougher. Seriously, it's not easy to pretend you respect the intelligence of something that literally barks at the television every time the doorbell rings on a sitcom.

3) Test the dog a few times to see if they have initiated their plan. Go light on a few bottles and have your mom leave them on the table. If the dog sees the bottle and begins to lick its own butt pretending to be disgusted by your food, it's go time (as if we are supposed to believe a creature that eats rabbit turds on a daily basis is too good for $9/day Similac???). On a side note, this whole butt licking thing is actually a buy one get one free bonus. First, you are setting up the little mutt for failure. Secondly, the dog licked its own butt just to try to prove a point.

4) Find a busy morning so that your mom will leave your bottle behind. If a morning isn't busy enough, make it busy. Wait for one of your parents to be dressed for work - then ready...aim...spit up. If you haven't mastered spitting up on command, 1) you're an amateur and you disgust me 2)it's okay, just defile a diaper instead. Once the morning is good and busy, backwash in that bottle like it was your job. Now is not the time to be shy. Ideally, you want a spit to formula ratio of at least 2:1.

5) Take a good look at the dog on your way out the door. This really has no impact on the plan, but the memory of that scruffy little bundle of dumbass eagerly awaiting a bottle of your special formula will be quite a pick-me-up to save for a rainy day.

6) Wait until you see your doggy pal bragging about stealing your formula on a public forum and then follow it up with a message letting them know that you are their puppet master and that the only thing that topped them indulging in pure backwash was the look on their faces when their dad finally got a hold of them for it.

- Amelia

How to eat a delicious baby bottle

Sophie's 7 step plan for success

1) To reach our goals, two things have to occur - There has to be a bottle AND you have to be left alone with it.

2) In order to ensure a good supply of bottles it is important to remember to NEVER eat the baby. I know on the surface this seems like the best solution because there will be more bottles for you without the baby eating all of them. However, believe me, this is the worst route to take. I figured I'd be sleeping on a bed of cat food by now with Kitty gone...and yet, this is not the case at all. Apparently, they ARE smart enough to just stop putting out the food.

3) Next, you have to somehow get left alone with the bottle. This all begins with trust. To start building trust, you have to knock it off when it comes to your old tricks like tearing up pacifiers, eating the carpet, and snagging bites of food that are left near the edges of low tables. It is also important to note that everyone needs to think you have no desire to eat the bottle. So, if you should see one, you must not pay it any attention. Do not sniff it. Do not lick it. Don't even look at it. If the evil little baby tries to set you up by dropping the bottle next to you on the floor, quickly lick your own butt to imply you felt that was a better option than eating the bottle.

4) After several days of this charade, you will inevitably be able to catch your parents on a really busy day. Unless you have messy parents, you need them to get distracted and rush out the door so they will forget a bottle within your reach. So, wait for a morning where you see your mom feeding the baby while blow drying her hair while having the baby hold the electric toothbrush for her. By this point, your dad is likely running around in his underwear, cursing the finger he burnt on the iron. Additionally, if you see him walking out the door with his belt, socks, and shoes in his hands rather than on his body, you have hit the jackpot. They may remember this bottle on their way out, but by now you've established the mindset of "ehh, the dog won't eat the bottle. She hates them".

5) Enjoy that bottle like it's your last day on Earth. Don't focus on the fact that the baby, who poops her pants and ruins every good night's sleep, gets to enjoy this liquid heaven everyday. Take pride in your efforts, soak it in, and realize that for this moment, it's a dog's world.

6) Hide the evidence. I don't care if you eat it, burn it, or bury it, just GET RID OF IT. My personal favorite is to stuff it all under the coffee table. That way, it is out of sight for your parents, but there's a chance the baby can see it when she is doing tummy time...talk about rubbing it in.

7) This last step is the most important, so write it down if you have to. IF they find the remains of your labor, tuck tail and run like hell. If they catch you before you can get all the way under the bed, take your whoopin' like a man. Don't be a punk. Wait a few weeks and repeat steps 1-7.

Now, I've followed these foolproof steps on roughly 5 occasions including tonight. Unfortunately, all 5 times have ended with me taking it like a man...fortunately, it was worth it each and every time.

- Sophie

Tradition can't always remain

I am a Christian. I proudly make this statement in a world in which it is increasingly becoming more popular to keep your beliefs private fare. I honestly do not understand how anyone could have a child and not be a believer. The miracle of childbirth alone should be enough. Anyways, the real point of this post is to discuss what occurred today at church. Today, my church held a mass baptism outside. It regularly holds baptisms like this in which anyone is welcome to come and participate. I was fortunate enough to be baptized in this manner earlier this year. It truly is a remarkable experience to see throngs of strangers gathered around in full support of you. The one striking difference in this type of baptism and the more traditional in-service baptisms is the pure spontaneity of it. There is an emotional and spiritual charge to see someone so moved by Christ that they climb into the water fully dressed in their church clothes and emerge with a childlike smile on their face. Upon exiting the water, they are greeted and congratulated by people they have never seen or spoken to before. This is just one of many reasons I love my church. I understand that it is not for everyone. They play rock music instead of traditional hymns. It is more common to see someone in blue jeans than it is a suit. The previous two series we covered were the Gospel according to the Beatles and the Gospel according to U2. I've seen Sweet Home Alabama performed on stage and watched clips from movies like Cinderella Man. However, as laid back and "non-church" as this may seem, I feel they do two things absolutely perfectly - first, they remove ANY excuses for not going to church (nothing to wear - come casual, I work weekends - sermons are available online, no babysitter - there are baby viewing rooms and day cares, etc.). Secondly, they put their entire emphasis and focus on spreading the word of Christ...to those who otherwise would not hear it. The Christian faith is suffering severely in this country because too many churches cater to the members they already have. Churches across the country are filled with older people who have gone their entire lives. They have read the bible multiple times. They know the words to all the songs. And, they have heard Jesus Christ loud and clear. The challenge is not to appease them. The challenge is to bring in the younger generation, to bring in the people who don't go to church because they think it is boring, to spread the word to people in other countries who may have never even seen a bible. Thousands of people attend my church each weekend. Those people give millions of dollars per year. Those millions are spread throughout the world to help people come to know Jesus. So, while I understand tradition is hard to break, I hope many more churches will follow this example as I guarantee when it comes down to it, my current church does exponentially more in terms of teaching the bible, promoting mission work, and connecting people with Christ than my previous, much more traditional church.

Spoiled?

I am a firm believer in making your kids work for the things they want. Some people grow up in a family with parents that buy them everything. We are hoping to be fortunate enough to provide Mia with anything she needs, but still find a way to instill an understanding of what it means to want something badly enough to go out and earn it. Ultimately, we'd like to provide this life lesson without starving her or making her sleep in the yard. Given this theory on parenting, I even surprised myself today when we bought a big gift for Amelia. Some of you may think we are jumping the gun a bit, but we really felt like she's been a great kid and deserves it. I've included the pics below...